


The Materiality Principle

by patriciaselina



Series: Retrouvaille [2]
Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst with a Happy Ending, Birthday, Birthday Cake, Bromance, Cooking, Domestic Fluff, Drowning, Epic Bromance, Epic Friendship, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mood Whiplash, One-Sided Attraction, Other, PFFT, POV First Person, Pre-emptive tags, Romantic Friendship, Roommates, Sharing an apartment, flatmates, for all that Rei-chan is a badass in Retrouvaille, he's a sappy old sap here, sort of??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-16
Updated: 2014-03-29
Packaged: 2018-01-04 19:07:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1084649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patriciaselina/pseuds/patriciaselina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Preliminary estimates of materiality: a) the largest amount tolerable to misstate, b) the smallest amount that would misstate the financial statements. </p><p>In a world where the Iwatobi Swim Club is never revived and Rin never returns from Australia, Rei Ryuugazaki and Nagisa Hazuki still get to find each other. A less angsty companion piece to Retrouvaille.</p><p>(UPDATE 3/29: Chapter 8, the finale chapter - Rei and Nagisa fix their friends' relationships, while further strengthening their own along the way. And, yes, a confession happens. Finally.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [This fic has an FST!!](http://patriciaselina.tumblr.com/post/81890820710/listen-to-on-8tracks-a-fanmix-for-the)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nagisa Hazuki and Rei Ryugazaki meet, and never let go.

“Hazuki-san, yes?”

“Yup, you got that right, that's me. What did you need me for, Ryugazaki-kun?”

“...We need to talk.”

* * *

 

As we walk down the hallway, I am acutely aware of the young man beside me, swinging his arms around without a care in the world. His name is Nagisa Hazuki, a blond-haired, bright-eyed, hyper energetic classmate of mine who I unfortunately have the bad luck of having to talk to.

The things I do for my sanity.

“Ryugazaki-kun, we've been walking for _such_ a long time.” Hazuki drawls, pouting. Such a kicked-puppy-dog face would have worked on other people - especially on his one known associate, Tachibana-senpai - but no, it's _not_ going to work on _me_. “Aren't we there yet?”

“Almost,” I say, pushing up my glasses with one hand. I had intended to bring Hazuki to a place that more-or-less had privacy - like the grounds out back, or an empty hallway - but, judging from the actions of the person I am about to talk to, it would be in my best interest for me to choose a place which had people in it.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but....It could never hurt to have a witness.

The rooftop, then. I'm skipping lunch for the sake of this hooligan, surely everyone else won't be following suit? There are usually some fellow freshmen who take their lunches up there, as well...

As we arrive at the top of the stairs, I throw the door open with a swing I'd prefer to descrivbe as 'graceful'. And, because I am obviously nothing if not a gentleman, I throw Hazuki a hopefully-emotionless glance and tell him, “After you.”

It's just my luck that there seem to be a couple of girls our age having lunch on the rooftop as well. Nice. Maybe if Hazuki eventually chucks me down the rooftop, there'd be someone there to confirm my source of death...I think.

“So thoughtful.” Hazuki says in reply, raising his eyebrow - _coyly_ , I guess, would be the adverb best suited to describe it. As he passes me his posture shifts and the smile on his face grows less playful, more pensive, which is. Actually not quite a bad look on him. But I'm not here to comment on that arbitrary thing. “What did you wanna talk about?”

I push up my glasses with a hand, again. I am aware that this is a nervous tic, something I have to train myself out of quickly, because one cannot be enigmatic if they have fairly obvious tells. That shall be a concern I will have to deal with later. As for now...

As for now, Hazuki's been humming some kind of inane tune. If I don't get this over with soon, I have the sinking feeling that I might get that tune stuck in my head for the better part fof a week.

“Hazuki-san.”

“Hmm?”

“Whatever it is you're doing, please stop.”

“Which thing?” Hazuki asks, somewhat carelessly for someone who had looked so silly - and so serious. “This, humming to myself, or this, looking at you?”

He says the last part out loud, so plainly, that I have to reach for my glasses again, if only to mask how my cheeks are set aflame. How dare he drive me to feel so... _embarrassed_ , that must be it, that _definitely_ must be what I'm feeling, because if I ever have to say “ _flattered_ ” and “ _Hazuki_ ” in the same sentence I don't know what I should be doing with myself.

“That...I was actually going to talk to you about that last part.” I say, berating myself because _where is your reputed coolness now, Ryugazaki?_ Skipping lunch really does have a bad effect on me. Zero points, shall never try it again. “I had heard you always went to watch the track club practice.”

“Yeah, so?”

“I had also heard that you had only ever paid attention whenever it was my turn to jump.” “ _Heard_ ”, nothing. What use would my peripheral vision be to me, if I didn't go forth and use it? And besides, it's not as if there was anyone who was going to care too much as to tell me anything about what people think of me. “It is not at all a bad thing to do, but when you combine that with the fact that you always follow me around in school and how you always keep hounding me to talk to you on the train...the pattern that forms really is distressing. So please just stop.”

Hazuki's face falls, and at that moment he looked like some inhuman cross of a kicked puppy and a child barely on the verge on crying. It is not a good look on him at all, and I am about to scramble to do something, anything, to get that look off his face, which my subconscious apparently thinks to be its first priority.

But that would be contrary to my entire stance about the Hazuki situation in the first place, so it's almost a relief when Hazuki schools his face into the same pensive one he had been wearing earlier. I say “ _almost_ ”, because there is still the sinking feeling in my gut that I've failed...at s _omething_ , somehow.

“So you're saying that the stuff I'm doing aren't wrong when done separately, but it creeps you out because I'm doing them all at the same time?”

I wouldn't go as far as to say it so crassly, and he hasn't understood it, not really, but his assumption is pretty close to what I am thinking. So I nod, once, because for once I fear I might just end up saying the wrong thing.

“Hmm,” Hazuki says, stroking his chin like men tend to do ‘thoughtfully’ in too many cheesy movies. “If I set back on watching you practice, and bugging you all the time, you would like it, won't you?”

I nod again, before my subconscious - my apparently guilty subconscious, why did his devastated expression have to be so damned effective - can begin second-guessing myself.

“So...if I did that, you won't mind as much, if I said I wanted to run with you tomorrow?”

I'm nodding on reflex before Hazuki squeals, actually squeals, and it is only then that I realize what he had been saying in the first place.

“Then I'll be looking forward to it, Ryugazaki-kun!”

 _Had I accomplished anything out of this?_ I think, groaning, as I make my way down the staircase. But for some reason, I can't get myself to be actually annoyed, much less _disappointed_.

* * *

 

“This brings back memories,” Hazuki says, his footfalls gradually growing brisker as he tries to keep up with me. “I used to be an athlete too, y'know.”

I snort at the mental image that creates, internally. Or at least I had _intended_ that to be a purely mental response, and had failed, because now Hazuki is shoulder to shoulder with me and is looking up at me with those big bright eyes of his.

“Hey, I really was an athlete, okay? A _swimmer_. You can talk to Mako-chan if you wanna, he's got my back on this.”

“You're referring to…Tachibana-senpai?”

“Yup, he's the one. He obviously wouldn't be lying, because he's a _lousy_ liar. But that's beside the point.”

 _Was there even a point to be made in the first place_ , I think, but do not say. It would do me no good to waste breath on frivolities. “Go on, then.” I say, quickening my pace and resigning myself to spending the next...ten minutes, apparently...not listening.

“We used to jog like this, you know.” Hazuki says, sounding...not happy, for once. “Haru-chan used to say cool things like 'I won't wait for you if you can't keep up'. He always waited for me, though! He's a nice guy, deep down.” He finishes, fixing me with what seems to be a pointed Look.

Well, I don't care who this Haruchan may be, but I'm not him, that's for sure, so I sprint a careful three steps forward. It won't do well for Hazuki to think I'd be content with sharing his slow pace. “Shouldn't you be running with this Haruchan-san of yours then, if he's so amazing?”

“Ufufu~” Hazuki giggles, grinning. How can he giggle like that, between the high voice and the predilection for pink, it's no wonder he'd always be mistaken for a girl! “‘Haruchan-san’, you said. Why are you so adorable? ...also, Rei-chan, you do get jealous, so quickly.”

I'm telling myself to not stoop down to his level, by any and all means, but - but my mouth works on its own as it says “Do _not_ ,” and Hazuki's giggling reaches borderline-movie-psychopathic levels.

I don’t notice the sudden form of address as soon as I would have liked, but when I do, I slow to a stop. “Wait. ‘ _Rei-chan_ ’?”

“Yup. It’s your name, isn’t it? I’m sure I didn’t get it wrong, I checked.” Hazuki insists. There is a big grin on his face, and his hands are at his sides. If I were the type to appreciate it – which I _am_ – he’d make a very pretty picture right now, looking like that. “You can call me ‘Nagisa’, if you wanna.”

“I – I don’t see why I should.” I say, pushing up my glasses with one hand as I turn away from this – this _impossible_ boy, back to my regimen. “First and foremost, we’re not that close.”

“Of course we aren’t _right now_ ; we’ve only just had class for a few weeks!” Hazuki replies. “But we can be closer, when we become friends!”

 _This guy never gives up, doesn’t he?_ I roll my eyes. I don’t know if I should find this trait of his admirable or pathetic. “Here you are again, with ‘wanting to become friends’ with me. Won’t you ever stop that?”

“Nope,” Hazuki says, popping his ‘p’ sound. It somehow sounds cataclysmic, though probably not for the reasons I’m used to. “I’m pretty sure I’ll get to be friends with you sooner or later, Rei-chan.”

“Please don’t use ‘-chan’ with my name,” I say, while realizing that my protests have definitely fallen onto deaf ears.

We go on another few kilometers – Hazuki’s humming that damned tune again, and as it is I’m too caught up in my thoughts to shush him – before I speak up again.

“Why does it have to be me?”

“Rei-chan?”

“You want to be friends with me, you said.” I say, hoping that the close proximity doesn’t make me subconsciously mimic Hazuki’s tone of speaking, as I am usually apparently prone to doing. “There are a lot of people in Iwatobi High, so, why does it have to be me?”

Because, if you give people a choice, they don’t usually feel the need to choose _me_ – it’s expected, really, seeing as I’m not particularly fond of socialization, and I don’t have such a winning personality, either. I prioritize beauty and skill above all other things, not teamwork, or friendship. That’s not what people usually want from a friend, and even if they did need me for my athletics or my intelligence, having to deal with my idiosyncrasies isn’t worth the initial gain.

“Hmm,” Hazuki hums, his footfalls coming slower. “I’d say that it felt like fate when I saw you, but you’re a logical kinda guy, so I doubt you’d believe me.”

Lucky guess, because I really don’t.

“So maybe…it’s because, like me, you have a girly name?”

Okay, so I can’t help myself, and I stop in the middle of my stride. I somehow manage to _not_ land on my backside, as I turn to look back at him. “ _That’s it_?!”

“Well, it’s one of the reasons, at least.” Hazuki replies, coming to a stop right in front of me, as well. “But it’s mainly because, when I first saw you, you looked _beautiful_.”

Wait wait _wait I did not just hear what I think I heard_. “Huh?”

“When I first saw you pole vaulting, I mean.” Hazuki says, the faintest hints of red dusting his cheeks. Maybe it was just the cold, or the exertion, I tell myself, even though I know that’s not quite true. “When you jumped – your pole vaulting was _beautiful_! _You_ looked so beautiful, Rei-chan!”

“ _I_ – I.” I mutter, looking away and pushing up my glasses so he doesn’t see the look I throw him and his ruddy cheeks. On the other hand, my own cheeks feel like they’ve been set ablaze. “I was just. It was just the application of the relevant theories and calculations. It’s nothing special.”

It was in fact something that, our coach said, did _not_ set me apart and only bogged me down. _Don’t be so stiff,_ he had said, _move a bit more freely, can you?_ Well, sure, fine, I would, if only ‘moving freely’ is just as easy for me to do as it seems to be for everyone else.

Which it isn’t, but nobody cares.

“Who told you that? They’re _wrong_. What you do is something special, Rei-chan.” Hazuki says, his smile still present and his cheeks still flushed. “I suck at that stuff, and Mako-chan says I should care about that more, but I don’t. But when I saw you – when I saw you execute that _perfect_ jump, I just knew I wanted to be friends with you.”

His last words hang in the silence between us, and I don’t know what I should say to that, not really. But we have classes in thirty minutes, and we still have to close these last few meters separating us from the school, still have to get changed out of our tracksuits and climb up the stairwells…

“Make sure you don’t regret that, then.” I say, surprising both Hazuki and _my own self_ as I run further away.

* * *

 

So it goes rather downhill from there. Or _up_ hill, depending on who you’re asking.

“Hey, Ryugazaki, I never thought you batted for the other team.” one of my track team fellows tells me, sniggering to himself as he probably thinks he’s being clever. I roll my eyes – people and their one-track minds, _honestly_.

“I _don’t_.” This probably isn’t the exact truth – to further expound on the trite term of phrase, I never really cared much to think about which ‘team’ I would be interested in batting for – but that’s what I say, and if I slam my locker with a bit more force than necessary, well, that’s nobody else’s business but mine. Got him startled, didn’t I? “Why would you ever think so?”

“Stop denying it – it’s _shamelessly_ obvious. You and Hazuki, right?” pipes up another one of them, probably a strong believer in the phrase _there is strength in numbers_. I’m pretty sure I can take them _all_ in a fist fight, but that’s not a gentlemanly way of thinking about things. “We’re _glad_ you finally got that stick up your ass out just enough to finally start joining the rest of society, but honestly, sometimes you’re just too sickening to watch.”

I cross my arms over my chest. Nagisa always said I looked more intimidating when I was in my track clothes – it makes sense, what with my height and these muscles on my arms on display – and so I hope I look properly intimidating now. “First of all, nobody said you _had_ to watch, so if your life is so _boring_ that you have to resort to watching a couple of friends being nothing more than friendly to entertain yourselves, I cannot help but feel sorry for you.” I say, sighing. The thing with not being someone who talks as much is that when you _do_ talk, it’s anomalous enough to make people stand at attention – I’m pretty sure you can hear a pin drop in the locker room.

“And if you see two boys being friends and immediately think such crass thoughts, then it just makes the whole thing much worse. I’d feel _properly_ sorry for you, I really would, but I don’t have time for that – _we_ don’t have time for that. After all, we didn’t come here for idle gossip – no, we’re here to practice, and if you could kindly focus on that, then it would be _lovely_.” I say, throwing them a smile that does not look sorry at all.

That day, I make all my high jumps without breaking a sweat.

Nobody says a word about me and Nagisa again.

* * *

 

If I were to be more precise, nobody says a word about me and Nagisa again, because aside from the initial hullaballoo about a guy like me _finally_ having a friend, it doesn’t take quite a while for Iwatobi to get used to it. So Nagisa always gets himself stuck to me, and it’s a fact of life, just like how there’s a guy in class 3 who always brings lunch to the track club manager, and there’s a girl in class 2 who always likes talking about muscles. It should be weird but it isn’t, and as it becomes normal nobody thinks it special enough to comment about anymore.

Which is a relief, because I don’t think I can keep on intimidating people in my sleeveless track clothes during the winter months.

“Hey, Rei-chan, let’s eat lunch on the rooftop today!” Nagisa grins, pulling me by the hand as I sigh indulgently and manage to grab my _bento_ along the way. “I wonder if Mako-chan would let me snatch off some of his bacon today?”

“Nagisa-kun, if you really did like to have bacon for lunch, you should’ve made your lunch yourself, you know.” I say.

I never really did remember when I started calling Nagisa _Nagisa_ – it just slipped past my lips one day, and aside from the slight glimmer in his eyes there had been no adverse reaction, so I just never really turned back. Guess he was right about me in more ways than I thought he would, but it’s not like I’ll go and tell him that.

“And risk the opportunity of getting you to fuss and suddenly offer me that other compartment of your _bento_ I know you’re saving up for me, Rei-chan?” Nagisa grins, raising an eyebrow defiantly. “Never.”

“You are aware that it stops being sudden when you anticipate it, yes?”

“Oh, you’re a better cook than I am, Rei-chan. _Of course_ I’d anticipate it.”

I click my tongue, once. “You’re hopeless and Makoto-senpai must really be a _saint_ to put up with you for all these years.” I say, as I open the door leading up to the rooftop.

It seems that the third member of our party had heard that, however, because he laughs. “Don’t go so far as to call me a _saint_ , Rei, because I’m not one.” Makoto-senpai says, his green eyes filled with mirth. “I’m just your regular, run-of-the-mill big brother. Guess that works wonders for my patience.”

“Well, I’m a younger brother, and between me and my own big brother _I’m_ the one most known for his patience, and still I find it difficult to put up with Nagisa-kun.” I say, sitting down beside Makoto-senpai. “Good day, Makoto-senpai.”

“Good day, Rei.” Makoto-senpai greets in turn. “Nagisa, what did I tell you about tiring out your friends?”

“That it is ‘unbecoming’ and that I shouldn’t depend on you to bring me food all the time.” Nagisa replies, sitting down in front of us both. “Can you blame me, though? The Tachibana and Ryugazaki households have better food than the Hazuki one does. Don’t tell mum.”

“And we _won’t_ , because the one in charge of cooking for the Hazuki household is actually _you_ , Nagisa.” Makoto-senpai says, and my ears perk up with interest because that isn’t something I’ve heard of before.

“Nagisa-kun _cooks_?” I say. “Color me surprised.”

Nagisa only cards a hand through his wavy hair as he sighs. “That’s why I _didn’t_ want Rei-chan to know that, Mako-chan! It’s embarrassing.”

“Being known as someone who knows how to cook simple things is _infinitely_ less embarrassing than being known as someone who _doesn’t_ know how to cook, Nagisa-kun.” I tell him, and I don’t know if it’s supposed to be comforting but maybe it is, because he smirks. “Don’t let your sappy light novels fool you.”

“Ex _cuse_ me, Rei-chan, they happen to not be sappy, only…mainstream.” Nagisa says, grinning at me. “Or maybe they’re just too mainstream for you?”

“I just do not find the appeal in your preferred genre, don’t presume.” I reply. “But you’re avoiding the topic – if you do know how to cook, why don’t you make your own lunch, instead of buying that…that creamy monstrosity?”

“It’s not a creamy monstrosity, it’s a _delicious_ one, and I happen to like it.” Nagisa huffs, biting into his _Iwatobikkuri_ bread. “It just so happens that, after making three boxed lunches, it’s kind of hard to continue on making a fourth, especially when there are three grown women who are prone to swiping the fried chicken off said fourth bento at any given moment.” He sighs, and waves around the sweet bun in his hands. “It’s _infinitely_ easier to just buy lunch.”

“Has anyone ever told you you’ve been sounding more like Rei these days, Nagisa?”

“Why, thank you, Mako-chan. Rei-chan’s a _genius_ , so that flatters me.”

“Proximity tends to do that, sometimes.” I say, trying to brush off Nagisa’s compliment as idle words, only I’m not used to receiving compliments, so no one could blame me if my knees feel a bit like jelly all of a sudden. “I sure do hope that doesn’t mean I’ll get as…hehh, ‘energetic’ as you are, Nagisa-kun.”

“Aww, but you’re already energetic on your own, Rei-chan!” Nagisa says, nuzzling into my side like an overly-attached kitten. “Remember that time with the butterfly-print pajamas? I had to physically restrain you to not actually go and buy that, but you did anyway.”

“I don’t care what you think, Nagisa-kun, but butterflies are beautiful.” I say. “More so than _penguins_ , I must say.” At that, Nagisa makes a sound of protest, nuzzling harder, and I make an embarrassing sound that must be a yelp, and Makoto-senpai laughs at the silly picture we must be making right now.

See, I don’t know when it started being so, but for some reason – I really like the concept of a butterfly. They start off as larvae, small things, insignificant things, as caterpillars, and even though they have to enshroud themselves in darkness they still manage to emerge looking beautiful.

Maybe it’s pure aesthetics, maybe it’s my subconscious wishing I would follow the same path as well, and maybe it’s both reasons at the same time, but either way, I like butterflies. Full stop.

“How did we get to talking about this? Weren’t we talking about how Nagisa-kun cooks but doesn’t make his own meals?”

Makoto-senpai laughs. “Yes, but it’s you and Nagisa we’re talking about, Rei, and between the two of you your conversations have more detour signs than a road undergoing construction.”

* * *

 

Makoto-senpai’s the same as Nagisa, in that they’re always smiling all the time, but he’s a whole different person entirely.

He’s deathly scared of a lot of things, for one, especially the things Nagisa _thrives_ on – horror films, gore, haunted houses, thunderstorms. Having me around for those times is apparently life-affirming for Nagisa, because “I spent all these years with Mako-chan, who’s highly scared of everything – it’s nice to have someone who gets scared in moderation, and that’s you, Rei-chan!”

Another thing is that sometimes we’d walk by the ocean or Nagisa would go off on another tangent about ‘Haruchan’, about their swimmer past, and Makoto-senpai would have this dazed look in his eyes, like he’s gone off somewhere far away. It’d be easy for us to chalk it off as him spacing out because we’re talking about something he’s scared of – because he told me he was scared of the ocean, like he was of gore and blood and horror – but a gut feeling I can’t ignore tells me that no, that’s a different kind of scared all together.

Because that’s not the kind of look someone has when they’re scared of an arbitrary concept. It’s the kind of look someone has when they’re scared because they’ve lost someone.

We’re doing homework in my apartment one night – Makoto-senpai was supposed to come with us, only he’s at home looking after the twins and really shouldn’t be going on sleepovers – when I finally muster up the courage to ask.

“Nagisa-kun?”

“What is it, Rei-chan?” Nagisa looks up at me, eyes bright and earnest as per usual.

“I just wanted to ask,” I start, looking down at my work, making a show of penciling in things so I don’t have to look at him. “Did something happen to Makoto-senpai when you were younger?”

Nagisa’s fingers on his pen still, and he swallows audibly. “Oh,” he murmurs. “Why’d you ask?”

“There’s just – something I can’t put my finger on. Something vague, but I _know_ it’s there.” I say. “Probably something related to your old swimmer days, I’m guessing.”

That gets a laugh out of Nagisa, only it’s such a forced rendition of his usual laugh that it chills me, somehow. “You guessed right! I’ll show you something – wait, just let me get it out.”

Nagisa rifles through his satchel – it looks deceptively thin from the outside, but somehow manages to be properly messy on the inside – and fishes out a single photograph. It looks like it had been developed in the days when film was still used in cameras. He hands me the picture; I hold it up for further inspection.

There are four boys in the picture – one alarmingly similar to Makoto-senpai on one far side, with brown hair and one hand forming the peace sign, and another one on the other far side with blond hair and bright eyes who can be nobody else but Nagisa. In between are two other boys, one a sullen brunette, who is the only one not smiling and is instead looking away from the camera, and the other a grinning red head with his arm slung merrily around the former.

“That’s a picture from our last elementary relay,” Nagisa says, a fond smile on his face. “I was in fifth grade, and Mako-chan, Haru-chan, and Rin-chan were, of course, a year ahead of me.”

“‘Rinchan’? You’ve never mentioned him before.”

“I haven’t? Well, maybe not by name. Rin-chan’s the guy who Mako-chan always Skypes with every few weeks. They’re total bros.” Nagisa says, and I remember – oh, right, the guy in…Australia, was it? “And, of course, you know Haru-chan.”

“Freestyle prodigy, swims ‘like a dolphin’, used to take you running, really likes mackerel. Am I right?”

“ _Of course_ you are,” Nagisa says, giving my ego another pat on its hypothetical back. “I didn’t want to tell you about this – Mako-chan would insist that he be the one to do it – but I don’t want to force his hand, and I also do want to tell you.”

“See, when we were little, I was a crybaby. Add that in to the cute eyes, small frame, and girly name, and we’ve pretty much got the formula down for an odd man out. I was bullied, a lot.” Nagisa goes on, and this alone is hard for me to digest – there exist people who intentionally want to make Nagisa’s life hell? “So dad wanted me to grow stronger, and he had me take up swimming. And I took to it, I really did.”

“When I joined the Iwatobi Elementary Swim Club, I heard about Haru-chan, and when I met him – oh, Rei-chan, he was everything I ever heard about, only better. I idolized him, and I worked harder on my strokes, wanted to be at my best so I can be at least half as good as him. If you had only saw him – it would make you wanna swim. I know you said you don’t want to, but I swear, Rei-chan, if you had only seen – if you had only seen.”

“So when I heard that Rin-chan was recruiting him and Mako-chan for the medley relay – I just knew I had to jump on that chance! They needed a fourth member, and I made a bet with Rin-chan that he’d have to choose me if I won in my heat during the breaststroke competition. That I did, so yeah.” He says, gesturing to the picture in my hands. “That’s how I became friends with all of them. We practiced, and I know Rin-chan thought me a bother but he grew to get used to me, and Mako-chan’s kind as always, looking after me and all of us, and – and Haru-chan says he doesn’t care about a lot of things, but when we won that relay I hugged him and he smiled at me. We were a team, Rei-chan – we won, and we were friends, and I was so happy I thought my heart was going to burst.”

“After that, Rin-chan moved to study swimming in Australia, and Haru-chan and Mako-chan moved up to a middle school in Iwatobi, and it was kind of understood that I was gonna follow them there, join their swim club as well.” Nagisa says, and pauses. There it is again, that pensive look on his face. “That is, until the unexpected happened.”

I gulp, somehow hating the way Nagisa’s story makes my voice sound like right now. “What happened?”

“Haru-chan’s dad got a job overseas, and Haru-chan’s mum decided to go with him. Haru-chan’s grandma had already died, so they decided to take Haru-chan with them.” Nagisa looks away, his expression grim. “Mako-chan…didn’t take it very well.”

“You see, I told you that me and Mako-chan and the others, we knew each other in elementary, right? Well, Haru-chan and Mako-chan – they go further back than that. Their mums were besties – sort of like what you and I have – so it’s a conservative guess that Haru-chan and Mako-chan knew each other from pre-school. I think they might’ve literally known each other since birth.” Nagisa says. “They’re almost like brothers – even closer than the actual brotherly relationships I’ve seen, and I’ve seen a lot of ‘em – what with their synchronized minds and how Mako-chan can read Haru-chan like an open book, even when Haru-chan doesn’t say anything. So when Haru-chan had to leave…”

“It would be like getting a part of you ripped off,” I say, stuck on some of the word choices Nagisa had used – Makoto-senpai and ‘Haruchan’’s mothers were apparently best friends ‘ _sort of like what you and I have_ ’. Well, granted, Nagisa’s the closest friend I’ve ever had, and I can only imagine what I would feel if I were suddenly deprived of our friendship, so I know Makoto-senpai’s gone through much worse.

“Yeah, Mako-chan was devastated.” Nagisa nods, drawing circles on his scratch paper. “Rin-chan phoned in frequently, tried to help as much as he could – but he can’t help as much as he wanted to, not if he was as far away from Mako-chan as Haru-chan now also was. So I went on and enrolled in Iwatobi anyway. Sure, it’s a long train ride home, and I didn’t join the swim club, either, but at least Mako-chan isn’t really as alone as he feels.”

“For all your silliness,” I say, looking away so Nagisa doesn’t see my expression, which has grown to be a tad more fond than my usual. “you’re a good friend. You know that, right?”

“Coming from _you_ , Rei-chan,” Nagisa says, and there’s some meaning to that, I’m guessing, but I can’t put my finger on it, either. “That’s the best compliment I can ever receive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand cut. That’s as far as I can type right now, but I really, really wanted to get it out on the interwebs, so I can bully myself into actually going on to the next 3-4k words.
> 
> There’s an insane timeskip after this, which tackles Rei’s college course (Accountancy, like mine!), and some of the events in [Retrouvaille](1015471). The length of the high school flashback was actually…not supposed to be this long, but I managed to type it all out so here it is anyway.
> 
> The mantra I use for when I’m putting myself in the zone for writing the NagiRei bromance from Rei’s POV is actually a line from BBC Sherlock –  _I don’t have friends, I’ve just got one_. Sure, in this ‘verse Rei also has Makoto, but it’s just not the same as what he has with Nagisa, just as it’s just not the same as what Mako has with Haru, even if the latter two didn’t end up as romantically involved as they had in Retrouvaille.
> 
> Also, a refresher in the Retrouvaille ‘verse  ~~of blood sweat and _tears_~~  – Haru went abroad with his parents and thus never grew up with Mako, Mako’s been a little bit depressed ever since, Rin excels in Australia and thus never goes back to Japan to angst in Samezuka, Nagisa never studies in a middle school that isn’t in Iwatobi, but he doesn’t form a swim club either, and Rei’s still in the track club, and, in what could only be the saving grace for my angst-prone writing soul, he still gets to be BFFs with Nagisa.
> 
> If you’ve gone this far: thanks for reading, really! I’ve never had such a wonderful reader turnout as I had when I wrote Retrouvaille, so consider this my early Christmas gift to those who’ve read it? I hope you liked it!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Rei loses his high school years and gains a hyper blond roommate.

It's been three years since then, since the day we started middle school, since the day we met. And all we have are to show for it are these flimsy, rolled-up diplomas, but right now Nagisa's pulling me along and I can't help but walk through the halls and feel like I'm invincible.

“The ceremony was over so quickly, wasn't it?”

“It could've been _quicker_ , if only _someone_ didn't make an hour-long speech.” Nagisa smirks, cocking an eyebrow cheekily. “Did you _really_ have to go off on all those tangents, Rei-chan?”

“I - I couldn't help it if the teachers wanted me to tackle a lot of subjects, okay?” Because they did, they really did. It took me a week to remind them that this was a valedictory speech, not a detailed feasibility study on the Japanese educational system. “If you were to leave it to me, my valedictory speech would have been over in a flash.”

“Really? Well then, tell me.”

“Pardon?”

“Your 'over in a flash' valedictory speech, go on, Rei-chan, tell me.” Nagisa grins, looking back at me with those bright eyes of his. “I'll be listening.”

“Very well,” I say, pushing up my glasses with my free hand. “I would like to thank my family for their love and support. I would like to thank my teachers for doing their jobs. I would like to thank the track team for...wait, I _don't_ want to thank the track team.” I say, and Nagisa chuckles at my sudden outburst.

See, I was known across the prefecture – it would be narcissistic of me to say across the _nation_ , even if I _did_ go all the way to nationals – as Iwatobi High School's track star, yes, but I wasn't considered, _truly_ a part of the team - I've always been pushed aside, so yeah, I guess I wouldn't want to thank them.

But who do I want to thank... _oh_. Obviously.

“I would especially like to thank Makoto- _senpai_ for keeping me sane, and I would like to thank Nagisa-kun, because he _falls asleep_ and that was what enabled me to pass these three years and ultimately be in front of you today. Goodbye.”

“Aww, don't say it like that, Rei-chan.” Nagisa says, his hand squeezing mine tighter. “I help you out too, you know. Remember the groceries?”

I shudder at the memory, subconsciously squeezing Nagisa's hand back, in response. “You put mackerel in everything. God knows why you did that.”

“Weeeell, you see,” Nagisa drawls, making a hand gesture as if – as if he were pushing up his glasses with one hand, if he did have glasses. Is he going to do another impression of me? Apparently he does, because he continues on, in a deeper voice, “The oil in fishes apparently does stuff to your brain cells, and so when you eat a lot of it -”

“ _Everything_ , Nagisa-kun. Even the drinks, you laced with mackerel.” I say, pressing the palm of my hand to my forehead. “And I do _not_ sound like that.”

“Oh, yes you do, don’t deny it – and it was a theme dinner! Of course they had to have mackerel in them somehow.”

“But they’re the _drinks_ , Nagisa-kun, ugh. Whoever the girl who’ll be married to you will be, I’m going to pray for her soul already.”

“Hmm,” Nagisa hums, swinging our hands back and forth, looking seriously in thought. “Then it's a good thing I'm not getting married then.”

“Really? I never thought you to be the bachelor type.” Because, if anything, Nagisa's the type who _needs_ companionship, _thrives_ on it really; who feels too lonely when he's on his own in a big house...I thought that, between that and his innate love for children and fussing over cute girls, he'd be the type of person who'd get amazingly and sappily married before the age of thirty.

If he were to choose a best man, and he didn't choose me for the job, I would be _very_ disappointed.

“Well, see, Rei-chan,” Nagisa says, raising up our joined hands. “If I were to get married, who's gonna fuss over _you_? You'll work yourself to an early grave, if I left you alone, y'know?”

My cheeks seem to have caught on fire, what with how much they're currently burning. “ _Nagisa-kun_!” I look around, to see if there are any people around – there _aren’t_ – before stage-whispering on, “ _You_ \- Nagisa-kun, you ought to stop saying things people can misunderstand, you know?”

“But I do mean it?” Nagisa replies, cocking his head in the way that makes him look so innocent and earnest. “Because if I don't blackmail you into sleeping, I have the feeling that sometimes you won't go to sleep at all! Who’s gonna do that for you, if I’m already married to someone else?”

That's actually true fifty percent of the time, but I'm not telling him that. “I don't think I'm _that_ frail, Nagisa-kun.”

“Of course you don't, Rei-chan - Ama-chan- _sensei_ did say, _‘we people always think the best of ourselves’._ ” he says, and giggles. “ _God_ , Rei-chan. I'm gonna miss this.”

“Iwatobi?”

“No, I mean -” Nagisa makes wild, frenzied gestures with his free hand. “ _This_. The two of us, hanging out and talking about silly stuff, jogging to and from school together, going to the same class together – see, even if I do get in the same uni as you did…”

“…we’d still be in different courses. Things just won't be the same anymore.” I say, a soft smile on my face. Continuing each other’s sentences is nothing new, but it still manages to throw Nagisa off his guard, what with the startled look he throws me. “That’s what you wanted to say, right?”

“You are right.” I say, a soft smile on my face as I consider Nagisa’s words. I truthfully never paid much thought to how my college life would be, save how I would manage tackling the academic parts, but come to think of it…yeah, I guess I would miss spending time together, just like this. “But on the bright side, at least you won’t be able to solicit so much ice cream from me, not when we’re spending so much time apart, so maybe I might finally be able to save some money!”

“Pftt – yeah, right, you _wish_ , Rei-chan.” Nagisa chuckles, and I join in. We’ve gone past the hallways now, right – right in front of the abandoned Iwatobi pool.

There used to be an Iwatobi High School Swim Club, years ago, and despite being a swimmer himself Nagisa never took it upon himself to revive it once more. Finding members would be difficult, he had said, and Makoto- _senpai_ wouldn’t have joined, due to the situation with him and the freestyle guy from their childhood. And Nagisa had also said, that if ever he _was_ going to continue swimming, he wanted him and Makoto- _senpai_ to do it _together_.

So, as things were, the pool does look like someone had abandoned it for the better part of a decade. It’s still got a lot of healthy cherry blossom trees surrounding it, though.

“Hey, Rei-chan.” Nagisa starts, voice sounding a lot more careful than the usual. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, what is it?” I say, amazingly managing to sound cool, even though I feel a bit apprehensive all of a sudden. Because of the unusual tone of Nagisa’s voice, and because I have the feeling that if Nagisa were to tell me, in that voice, that he killed someone, my first words would be ‘ _so, where should I hide the body?_ ’

I have seriously _got_ to reevaluate my priorities.

“See…I’ve just got to wondering, these days. Y’know, I don’t really care much for college? I’m not an exemplary student, unlike you.”

“That’s just because you don’t think school is worth the effort, Nagisa-kun.” I say. Nagisa’s the kind of guy who scores a hundred percent on history exams, and barely passes all the other ones – if only he were to work on his innate talent for comprehension, for analysis, he would’ve graduated with honors, I’d bet a lot of my stuff on it.

“Yeah, I know…but still.” Nagisa looks away, almost looking _shy_ for a moment. “Still. Would you freak out if I said the only reason why I considered going to college for the first place was because you were going to?”

“…no?” I reply, carefully, because Nagisa’s expression looks somewhat pained and I don’t want to do anything to aggravate it. “They call that ‘peer pressure’, Nagisa-kun. It’s not that unusual.”

“Yeah, yeah, maybe it isn’t.” Nagisa chuckles, though it doesn’t reach his eyes. “But, when I think about being away from you for so long…it begins to ache. Right here.” And then, he goes and clutches at his chest with his free hand. “I know it sounds silly.”

I shake my head, because – because I can’t say anything more, what _could_ I say to that, really, but I understand him, completely. It’s been just three years, but – let me put this all out on the table for now – it’s been the best three years of my friendship-starved _entire life_.

“So I got to thinking, and thinking some more, and even up to now I’m not sure if I’ve got my words right because I’m not as good at thinking about stuff as you are, Rei-chan, but I do know that I want to have more moments with you, where we get to spend time just like this.” Nagisa says, his hand still resolutely holding on to mine, but his eyes dutifully focusing on everything that _isn’t_ me. “So I’ll just say it now – Rei-chan, _will_ _you be roommates with me_?”

He says this with the same severity that the male leads on soaps say _will you marry me_ , and for a moment I feel very much like the proverbial deer in the headlights. As if that wasn’t enough, my brain shuts down and I have to tread carefully lest I end up saying the wrong thing. “Roommates?”

“There’s a nice two-bedroom apartment near uni, we can probably pay for it if we get part-time jobs – _I’m_ getting a part-time job, I mean, don’t tire out yourself any more than you should – but yeah. It’ll be terribly lonely without you around, Rei-chan, and I know you’re gonna talk my ear off with your nagging about cleanliness and proper diets and stuff, but I seriously can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be there with me, other than _you_.”

My cheeks are on fire, they are seriously on fire, it’s a wonder this school hasn’t been reduced to blazing rubble and ashes by now. “Maybe that just means you need to go out more.”

“Yeah, maybe, but even if I did I think I’ll still be saying the same thing.” Nagisa says, letting out a nervous chuckle. “So, Rei-chan?”

“Yes.”

Now, this time, it’s _Nagisa_ who looks like the deer in the headlights, as if he couldn’t quite believe what he’s hearing. “ _Rei-chan?_ ”

“I said _yes_ , you blond nightmare.” I say, chidingly; it’s a moniker I’ve picked up from some of our female classmates – Nagisa was their ‘blond nightmare’, because he monopolizes so much of my attention. I don’t know why they’d be so interested in gaining my attention, though. “I know I just subjected myself to years of spending too much money on ice cream but I feel the same way…” I trail off, looking away.

If Nagisa were going to go and tell me the truth, nothing else but the truth, then I guess I should grant him the same courtesy, as well. Even if the truth _does_ sound sappy and soap opera-like.

“…I don’t want to be parted with you, either.”

The smile on Nagisa’s face is so luminescent that I think it has the capacity to make the Earth’s luminescence rival that of the Sun’s. He just so looks so happy, so earnestly, jaw-droppingly _happy_ , that when he grins wider and pulls me closer there is nothing else that I can do but chuckle and wrap my arms around him, in turn.

Nagisa’s grown a lot taller, as the years passed. This is especially, glaringly obvious right now.

* * *

 

 

“Thanks for helping us move in, Mako-chan.” Nagisa says, his arms around Makoto-senpai as he pulls the taller man into an embrace. He doesn’t even seem to give Makoto-senpai the appropriate time to catch his breath.

“Nagisa – please let go for a minute, yeah? There.” Makoto-senpai says, carefully untangling himself from  Nagisa and his flailing arms. Nagisa had just got Makoto-senpai to carry our bookcases up three flights of stairs, after all – it’s just a shame that this apartment doesn’t have a proper service elevator. If only it had one, moving in would be infinitely easier. But the apartment building is nice enough, so I shouldn’t be complaining. “Rei, do pardon me for intruding.”

“It’s a pleasure to have you around, Makoto-senpai.” I say, stirring the curry to keep it from coagulating. Curry is Makoto-senpai’s favourite, so I decided it’d be nice to have some, since he’d be visiting. “Do you want this spicy, or not?”

“I don’t really mind either way…wait, Rei, isn’t the spiciness already determined by the pack?”

“Well, Mako-chan, Rei-chan’s such a good cook that he doesn’t use the instant curry mixes. He thinks using them makes him look lazy…look, here’s some of the coconut cream he used!”

“I don’t think that using mixes make me look _lazy_ , Nagisa-kun, please don’t be _absurd_.” I say, rolling my eyes. Seven-spice powder it is, then.  “It’s just that when school starts, we’ll be too busy to make proper meals, so excuse me if I want to make the most out of our free time.”

“Just as expected from Rei-chan!” Nagisa squeals, wrapping his arms around me, instead. “Hey, Rei-chan, you can bake, right? Make me a strawberry shortcake, huh, huh??”

“Agh – Nagisa-kun, please let go, the stove is on, that’s dangerous!” I say, untangling myself from my roommate with what I hope is some amount of grace. “And I don’t think you can make me go as far as to make a cake I wouldn’t be able to have a bite of in the end, anyway.”

“We can share?”

“You’ll eat it all up, Nagisa-kun, I’m certain of that. Back me up here, Makoto- _senpai_?”

“Yeah, Nagisa.” Makoto-senpai says, smiling. “You’re sharing an apartment with Rei, so you’re on the right track, but you’ve got to learn to share other things too, you know.”

“I got it, I got it, _geez_.”  Nagisa groans. “But strawberry cakes are amazing, okay. I just can’t help but wanna eat ‘em all!”

“And unless that stops being true, don’t expect me to make any cakes for you in your future.” I say, tasting the now-moderately spicy curry. This was a lie, of course – I’m pretty sure I’ll be making at least two strawberry cakes this year alone, one for Nagisa’s birthday, and another for Christmas. Not for _my_ birthday – I’m not much of a cake person, after all.

“Boo, Rei-chan, that’s not fair.” Nagisa says, puffing his cheeks out like a spoiled little child. “Are you done with the curry yet?”

“Yes, I am now. Could you please take the rice out of the rice cooker, Nagisa-kun?”

“Here!” Nagisa replies, taking out the rice container with a flourish of his oven mitten-shrouded hands. “Mako-chan, make yourself comfortable!”

“Yeah yeah. You guys sure you don’t need any more help, though?”

“None at all. It’s already too much that we had you carry our furniture – you’re a guest after all, Makoto-senpai, so we should be treating you like one!” I reply, flashing Makoto-senpai a smile as I set the pot on its holder, right in the middle of the table. “Chicken curry, all done.”

“Whoa, it sure does look tasty, Rei-chan!” Nagisa says, making a big sniff. “I really lucked out with the whole roommate business, seriously.”

“Nagisa-kun, please don’t sniff so much,” I say, trying to block his flailing arms from tipping over the steaming pot of viand. “Fifty percent of the taste is in the smell, after all.”

“Well then, too bad for you and Mako-chan then, because this smells de _lish_ and I’m not stopping.” Nagisa drawls. “Hurry up before I eat this all, you two!”

“Yeah yeah.”

“Very well!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't supposed to be posted up right now, but, in celebration of [the Reigisa duet CD preview](http://patriciaselina.tumblr.com/post/70282593729/guys-i-literally-cannot-take-this-anymore-the) release, I decided to post these two scenes separately. Hope you like 'em, Free!dom! I like you all, too!
> 
> Thanks for reading, guys. <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin comes home for a visit. Partly in honor of the glorious MakoRin image included in Free! DVD volume 6.

Nagisa and I are halfway through our first college semester when Makoto- _senpai_ receives the call.

Makoto- _senpai_ is a year further from us – right now, he’s a second-year, taking up Education – but he still makes the time to meet up with us at our apartment for what could only be nominally called ‘ _study sessions_ ’. Or, at least, they’re two-thirds study sessions, one-thirds _sleep_ sessions – because no matter how much coffee is in the air, nothing would ever stop Nagisa from falling asleep at the prospect of textbooks.

“Nagisa-kun,” I say, shaking Nagisa by the shoulders. He had fallen asleep in the middle of Makoto- _senpai_ ’s presentation practice, and is now slumped over my shoulder. My now _aching_ shoulder. “Nagisa-kun, please do wake up.”

“Ngh…no, Rei-chan, _no_ …” Nagisa murmurs, shaking his head, and for a moment I think he’s actually awake and responding to me. Only to have such thoughts shattered when he continues on, “Not that…the string bikini looks better on you… _hrrrrk_ zzzzz.”

Over the months I’ve gotten used to Nagisa and his unusual dreams, to his rampant sleep-talking. This doesn’t mean, however, that it makes hearing the parts of his dreams he says out loud any less embarrassing.

There is a soft smile on Makoto- _senpai_ ’s face as he considers us both. “Nagisa really adores you, doesn’t he? And you, him.”

“I – It’s not –” It’s not _what_ , actually? I have no idea what I’m referring to, but when someone actually goes and comments on our relationship, I find myself bristling all of a sudden. Even, apparently, if the ‘someone’ doing the commenting is our only other friend.

“What? I mean – _oh_. Okay. Don’t worry, Rei, I wasn’t meaning anything by it.” Makoto- _senpai_ says, smile remaining, though I sense a bit of _hurt_ in his tone of voice. I feel guilty for doubting him, all of a sudden.

“No, it’s fine, I’m just…overreacting, I guess. My apologies, Makoto- _senpai_.”

“I don’t think you’re overreacting, Rei.” Makoto- _senpai_ says, tilting his head in recognition of how I’ve leant in closer, almost as if I was thinking of shielding Nagisa’s sleeping body with my own. “I just think you’re being awfully protective, just like he is of you. I’m so glad you guys met each other, did I tell you that?”

There’s a flush blooming on my cheeks, and Makoto- _senpai_ ’s eyes are so happy, so full of love and…what could only be turned _longing_ , and I remember Nagisa’s stories all those years ago – _Mako-chan didn’t take it – Haru-chan’s departure – very well_. So I look away, finding the way how Nagisa’s blond waves of hair crash into each other extremely fascinating.

I have no idea if that makes things better or worse.

“Nagisa’s been alone for such a long time, you know.” Makoto- _senpai_ continues on, as if I had not looked away. Maybe he still thinks I’m just not comfortable with eye contact – I still am, but I guess it’d be in my interest to have him forget for now that I am no longer uncomfortable with eye contact with _them_. “Even when we were little, when we were still swimming – he was happy and cheerful all the time, but…he was the only fifth grader amongst us four. _Of course_ he was always gonna feel left out.”

“And then, when – you know what happened, right?”

 _Between me and Haru_ , is the unspoken object of that sentence, but I know that Makoto- _senpai_ still can’t say his name, not even after all these years. The pain is still too raw. So I remind myself of how the edges of Makoto- _senpai_ ’s eyes seem to be glazed over with tears, and nod.

“Nagisa’s been a great help to me, more than he could ever have thought he’d be. And I’m lucky to be friends with him.” Makoto- _senpai_ says, before turning to smile at me. “Just as he’s lucky to be friends with _you_ , Rei, don’t forget that.”

I look down on the blond boy snoozing on my shoulder – getting his drool all over my good shirt, _ugh_ , but nothing a good wash won’t fix, for sure – and think of how it physically pains me to imagine having a life without him. “I’m lucky to have met him, too, even though it doesn’t look like it.”

“Nagisa’s a big believer of the concept of teasing someone he loves, Rei, I’m sorry I didn’t stop him from picking that up from Rin when we were younger.” Makoto- _senpai_ says, chuckling softly. I chuckle along, and as we laugh Makoto- _senpai_ ’s phone rings, which seems to startle him. “…speaking of the devil. Rei, I need to take this call, would you mind…?”

“No, no, go ahead.” I say, picking up my pen to go back to my notes, my mind still busy with the fact that Makoto- _senpai_ said _speaking of_ so that means he had been referring to…was that the infamous _Rin_ on the other line?

Makoto- _senpai_ ’s half of the conversation, at least, affirms this. “Yeah, Rin! What a coincidence, we were just talking about you – what, no, of course not about that, what do you mean Nagisa’s planning something devious?” This last part seems to be a question intended for both Rin and _I_ , for Makoto- _senpai_ throws me a puzzled look. I shrug. Who knows what’s going on in Nagisa’s head.

“No, he said he doesn’t know either – I’m talking about Rei. You know, our friend from Iwatobi, Nagisa’s roommate? Yes, he’s the one with the glasses in Nagisa’s Facebook pictures.” Rin seems to say something to that, because Makoto- _senpai_ winces. “I’m not gonna tell him _that_!”

“What’s the matter, Makoto- _senpai_?”

Makoto- _senpai_ doesn’t reply, only presses a few buttons. Suddenly, I hear it in slightly muffled speakerphone – a deep voice saying “ _It’s really easy, Makoto, tell the roomie that his fashion sense is horrible!_ ”

“ _Rude_.” I say, pushing up my glasses. Makoto- _senpai_ looks like he’s half a minute away from bursting into chuckles – or into _tears_ , I don’t know which is more probable. “Is that _really_ the first thing you want me to hear from you, _Rin-san_?”

“ _Oh, good, you’re here!_ ” the voice on the other end of the line continues on, nonplussed – he genuinely seems to be _happy_ at my being here to hear him. “ _Where’s Nagisa?_ ”

“He’s right here, sleeping.” Makoto- _senpai_ provides, thankfully forgetting to share how Nagisa is sleeping _on my shoulder_. “Did you want us to pass along a message?”

“ _No, it’s fine, I’ll call him later._ ” Rin says, and for a moment I can’t help but think – he’s backtracking, does that mean that what he and Nagisa need to talk about is something Makoto- _senpai_ shan’t know? “ _For now, though – Makoto, are you free tomorrow?_ ”

“Mm…I have morning classes, but other than that I pretty much am…why do you ask?”

“ _Tsch, too bad._ ” Rin groans. “ _My flight arrives there tomorrow morning. I was hoping you could pick me up_.”

Now, I don’t know what exactly was going through my mind as I say this, but this is what I say: “I don’t have classes tomorrow morning. I could pick you up, if you wanted.”

“ _Uh…really?_ ” Rin murmurs, and for a moment I swear he almost sounds terribly shy all of a sudden. “ _You’d be fine with that?_ ”

“Of course I will! A friend of my friends is a friend of mine, I shall have you know.” I say, and the look on Makoto- _senpai_ ’s face right now can’t help but remind me of a mother seeing her child graduate. “That is, if _you’d_ be fine with that.”

“ _Yeah, I am. I’ve heard a lot about you from Nagisa – sometimes way too much of a lot, if you ask me, but don’t tell him._ ” Rin drawls, and for a single too-bright moment I find myself terrified as to what Nagisa could have told him about me. Surely he did not tell him about _that_ incidentwith the mackerel…? “ _And don’t worry about it, he didn’t tell me anything weird, if that’s what’s bugging ya. Only told me enough for me to know you’re a good kid_.”

* * *

 

Somewhere in between the barbed comments and the heated debates, Rin and I took to each other more than I expected we would, which pleased Makoto- _senpai_ a lot.

We’ve gotten along ever since – in Nagisa’s words, ‘ _like a house on fire_ ’.

“I don’t like idioms – that’s Rei-chan’s division, not mine, but…I think it makes sense, y’know, because Rei-chan has a house, and with Rin-chan’s hair, it looks like he’s on fire!”

“I don’t have a _house_ , Nagisa-kun,” I say, sighing. “We have an apartment, and it’s _both_ our names on the contract.”

Rin, on the other hand, raises an eyebrow as he scrutinizes a lock of hair. “I oughta clobber you for that, yanno.”

Nagisa purses his lips, looking more like an elementary boy than anything, which is odd considering he’s now merely an inch shorter than both me and Rin. “But you won’t, Rin-chan, because you love me, right?”

“No, I won’t, because Makoto would get to me first, and your roommate seems to be as built as I am. And seeing as you had all the time to have them wrapped around your pretty little fingers…”

“I am _not_ ,” I begin, sucking in a deep breath, “wrapped around Nagisa’s fingers, I shall have you know.”

“What are you talking about, Rin?” Makoto- _senpai_ says, the teeniest of smirks on his face. “It’s just been six years.”

“No, you dummy, it’s been _eight_ – c’mere, now, huh?” Rin says, as he wraps his arms around the fourth member of our party, still fresh from his morning classes. Rin’s been here for three weeks now, and he’ll be leaving the day after tomorrow. He’s been getting a bit touch-starved, apparently, as the day grows closer, always taking hugs from Makoto- _senpai_ and Nagisa and – one silly night, from me. “God, I really missed you, you fantastic dork.”

“And I missed you too,” Makoto- _senpai_ replies, before saying in a quieter tone, “ _crybaby_.”

“Hey – I think I’m perfectly justified in my crying, when I’ve been away from my best friend for so long, okay? So knock it off.” Rin says, play-punching Makoto- _senpai_ in the shoulder.

“Same here,” Makoto- _senpai_ says, his voice quiet and serene as he embraces Rin back. “I missed my best friend, too.”

* * *

 

It’s not _all_ fun and games, however, not when Rin shows up behind our door, the night before his departure, with that pensive look on his face.

“Yo, Rei.” Rin says, giving me a nod of recognition before looking behind me. “Nagisa still up?”

“As he should be,” I say, stepping away to allow Rin to enter the foyer. “We have schoolwork to do, after all. To be precise – I was already done two hours ago. _Nagisa_ still has schoolwork to do.”

“I can’t help it if everything’s so _boring_ , Rei-chan!” Nagisa almost-shouts, even if we’re only a few steps away from where he is. It’s a miracle no one hasn’t reported us to the landlords for excessive noise-making, yet. I guess these walls are thicker than the ones Japanese apartments usually have, which is good because sometimes Nagisa has a habit of listening to sappy bubblegum pop songs at full blast.

“But you wanted to be a History major, right?” I say, sighing as I sit next to him, gesturing for Rin to take the seat in front of us. “We’re freshmen, so before you take up your specific subjects, you have to pass these general ones, first.”

“ _Boring_. Hey there, Rin-chan.” Nagisa says, waving weakly at his friend. “Do my homework for me?”

“Like hell I will, Nagisa – did you know how much advanced work I had to do to get this early vacation? Gimme a break, okay.” Rin says, baring his sharp teeth. Nagisa laughs. “Anyway, that’s not what I came here to talk to you about. I’m here about _Haru_.”

Nagisa’s laugh stops, abruptly, and in the silence Rin turns to face me. “You know about Haru too, don’t you, Rei?”

I nod, suddenly worried at seeing that look form on Nagisa’s face. “Nagisa-kun told me about him, a few years ago – Makoto- _senpai_ ’s best friend, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m talking ‘bout _that_ Haru.”

“What does _he_ want?” Nagisa says, and…the tone of voice he uses, it brings chills down my spinal cord. It’s so _cold_ and coldness doesn’t fit Nagisa, it never did and it never will and _why is his voice so cold now?_ “It’s been _years_.”

“No – calm down, will ya? Yes, it _has_ been years, but it isn’t his fault, not really…well, maybe for the first few years it _was_ , but right now…it isn’t, not anymore.”

“What are you talking about, Rin-chan? _Explain_.”

“See, a few years ago, his dad had work in Australia, okay? It just about shocked the skin off me when I saw him practicing in the pool.” Rin says. The way Nagisa’s eyes seem to tighten into little slits at this tale is _frighteningly_ intriguing. “It was just for a few days, though, so don’t kick me under the table for not telling Mako. And – yes, _he_ was also the one who told me not to tell Mako.”

“Some best friend he is, not keeping in touch even after seeing how _devastated_ Mako-chan was when he left.”

“Calm down, Nagisa, sheesh. Anyway, I was getting to my point – a few years ago, I heard about this accident where this guy drowned in the Atlantic Ocean. I didn’t pay much attention to it at the time…but I had been assigned that news story in class, for my homework, since I’m an _amazing_ swimmer and thus should know _everything_ about water.” Rin continues on, chuckling weakly – there’s no mirth in his laugh whatsoever. “Guess who our mystery drowner is?”

I have a bad feeling about this. “ _No_.” I murmur, just as Nagisa’s hand on my arm grips tighter.

“Yes, Rei, _yes he is_. It was _Haru_.” Rin says. “I scrounged up the only contact detail I can find online for the Nanase family – his dad’s work email. So I mailed him there, and he replied that I shouldn’t ever try to keep in touch with him again.”

“That’s cold.” I say, more thinking out loud than anything, because if I stay quiet for longer than I already have, I fear I might burst.

“Isn’t it? But well, at least he confirmed that Haru’s still alive, if not a bit shaken, I’m guessing. He never did tell me the details, and to be honest I pretty much didn’t care, as long as I heard that he got through that alive.” Rin says, busying himself by tapping an uncertain pattern on the table. I could be fooled into thinking he’s tapping out Morse code, but I know better, it’s gibberish: _E-H-S-E_.

I’m about to say something, voice an opinion, but Nagisa beats me to it, his voice still deceptively calm. “Why didn’t you, I dunno, _tell Mako-chan?_ ”

“You heard me, didn’t you? Haru’s dad told me not to keep in touch with ‘em. I didn’t want him to tell that to _Makoto_ , okay?”

“But Mako-chan and Haru-chan are _childhood friends!_ ”

“Sorry, bro. I’ve got a feeling he’d have told Mako the same thing.”

“ _Damn it_.” It’s the first time I’ve heard Nagisa actually _curse_ with some emotion to it, and it scares me, it really does. “What is going on here?”

“I’ve no clue, but…Nagisa, we _really_ shouldn’t tell Mako about this.”

“And why _not_?” Nagisa screeches. I place a hand over the hand he has wrapped around my arm – placating, reminding. _Calm down. Breathe. We’ll figure this out together._

“Look at it this way, Nagisa: I’m Makoto, and this is my best friend, Haru. I haven’t heard from him in close to nine years, and it’s heartbreaking, it’s frustrating. The next thing I hear about Haru is that he drowns in the ocean, I’m very worried about him! Only his dad doesn’t want us to keep in touch, and he doesn’t seem to wanna keep in touch with _me_ , either…do you get what I’m saying?”

Nagisa frowns, his hand on my arm loosening its grip. “All right, I get it. But this doesn’t mean I like it, shark boy.”

“Don’t hate on the shark teeth, bro, they’re _awesome_.”

“Yeah, sure, fine, Rin-chan, whatever you say _._ ” Nagisa says, rolling his eyes, seemingly gradually reverting back to his cheery persona. “So we _won’t_ tell Mako-chan?”

“We won’t tell Mako. I’ve seen how happy he is with you guys, and I’m happy that he’s found it in himself to smile and have fun again.” Rin says, his gaze growing a bit fonder and a bit sadder. “And I’ll try to audition for the part of overseas best friend.”

“He really _did_ mean it when he said he missed you, you know that, right?” Nagisa says, eyes wide and curious. “Haru-chan or not, _you’re_ his best friend too, Rin.”

“…yeah,” Rin says, voice quieter all of a sudden. “But I still won’t ever be enough.”

* * *

 

Before the boarding call ends, Rin beckons Makoto- _senpai_ closer, fiddling with his trusty grey cap in his hands. Nagisa and I had just returned from a hasty take-out purchase – how Nagisa manages to wedge ice-cream breaks in the most arbitrary of situations should alarm me, but it doesn’t, not anymore – so we can’t hear what they’re saying.

What we do see, however, is that Rin inches up, just a little bit, and touches his forehead to Makoto- _senpai_ ’s.

It’s the shortest of moments, that one, single, smattering of seconds, but we also get to see how _impossibly fond_ the look Rin throws Makoto- _senpai_ is.

“– so. Guess I’m off, then.” Rin says, putting his cap back on, hiding his eyes from our view. “See you ‘round, Nagisa, Rei…Skype tomorrow, Makoto?”

Makoto- _senpai_ is, understandably, still a bit confused, but he shakes that off immediately, his warm, earnest smile in place. “Yeah, Skype tomorrow. Have a safe flight, Rin.”

As Rin’s plane departs from Japanese soil – we _think_ that’s Rin’s plane, it’s got the same carrier colors, the same departure time – Makoto- _senpai_ steps closer to the floor-length windows, waving like a maniac, as if Rin would see him and wave back.

I pull Nagisa closer, whisper to him as soon as I think Makoto- _senpai_ couldn’t hear. “Rin-san…he’s _in love_ with Makoto-senpai, isn’t he?”

“ _Oh, Rei-chan_.” Nagisa says, chuckling softly as he downs another spoon of strawberry sundae. “Everyone who meets Mako-chan gets at least _a little bit_ in love with him, yanno.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Because I can’t help myself, there’s the teeniest of Retrouvaille spoilers in the middle of this A/N. Please proceed with caution, if you haven’t read that yet – it’s just above my final thank-you note.)
> 
> E-H-S-E is . …. … . in Morse code, and yes, it really is intended to be gibberish. It’s just there to show how Rei always seems to overthink about everything.
> 
> I was originally going to focus on Rei’s actual college course, because it’s Accountancy, same as mine, and I can probably write about it in my sleep, but…right now, I can’t, so that’s why the focus is more on the feels than the academics. Maybe after I wrap this up I can make an extra chapter about his college life, I dunno. He’s definitely gonna be roped into one of the university pageants our uni seems to love having – if his batch is anything like mine, I can guarantee that he’ll win by a landslide, and that’s not counting the fact that he can pull off being in a speedo.
> 
> In the next chapter, we’re finally gonna encounter the proper Retrouvaille timeline – I know naught about the Japanese university system, but as I had Mako be around 26 years old in Retrouvaille, that makes Rei 25, making the next chapter happen…around six to seven years after this one. In canon, Rei’s 15-16 when he starts high school (Free! canon, TMC ch.1), 17-18 when he graduates (TMC ch.2), 18-19 when he starts college (TMC ch.2, and this chapter too); the same is true for Nagisa.
> 
> The reason why Nagisa tends to fall asleep all the time: he moonlights as a freelance voice actor. Shh, don’t tell Rei-chan. He’s also an irregular student, because he wanted to share some classes with Rei, too.
> 
> And yes, I am a multi-shipper, and while I do ship MakoHaru from time to time, MakoRin really is my weakness. So I think I should tell you that I really didn’t make Rin’s feelings for Makoto one-sided because I don’t like the ship, okay? There’s a reason why I always write ambiguous pairings – because as a multi-shipper, I always love all my ships too much to want to sink any of them.
> 
> But as Retrouvaille ends the way it does…we know that across the years Rin grows out of his feelings for his best friend…as may be seen in the finale, though, he’s still fiercely protective of said best friend.
> 
> Again, thanks for reading, and happy holidays, guys! I hope you liked this…as per usual, your kudos and comments would be greatly appreciated.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei dreams about something his _senpai_ once told him, and forgets about someone’s birthday. (Hint: it’s not his own.)
> 
> UPDATE: This chapter got on tumblr user [aitaikimochi](http://aitaikimochi.tumblr.com)'s really extensive [Reigisa fic rec list](http://aitaikimochi.tumblr.com/post/71472606900)! So yeah, thanks a lot.../excited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Putting my food notes here, because they couldn't fit in the End Notes. Hope you guys don't mind.
> 
> All the sweets mentioned here are real things I learned from reading the [English RocketNews 24 website](http://en.rocketnews24.com/). (link may be NSFW) The links I use for the next three links are from that website.
> 
>  _[Irina](http://en.rocketnews24.com/2012/09/21/tokyos-irina-churns-out-some-amazingly-colorful-roll-cakes/)_ (actually _irina_ , but Word auto-capitalizes words at the start of a sentence) is a bakery in Ginza that specializes in roll cakes. Said roll cakes tend to be fluffy and printed with adorable geometric designs like stripes and polka dots, and cost 201 yen (US $2.57, around Php114) each.
> 
> The Edy’s Bread branches in the Ikebukuro and Iidabashi stations sell [Suica Penguin bread](http://en.rocketnews24.com/2013/06/05/the-adorable-suica-penguin-bread-too-cute-to-eat-but-too-good-not-to/), which cost 400 yen (US $4, around Php178) for a box of two pieces.
> 
> The [small Suica Penguin cakes](http://en.rocketnews24.com/2013/07/26/suica-penguin-now-a-cake-see-his-face-transform-as-you-eat/) that Nagisa usually buys at the Hotel Metropolitan near the Ikebukuro station cost 500 yen (US $5, around Php222) each. The larger cake Rei gets him costs 3,500 yen (US $35, around Php1556), and has to be ordered three days in advance. I have no idea whether or not they call customers by phone, but urgh, let’s just call this artistic license for now. 22:00 is 10 PM, and exactly how the bakery writes their closing time…Japan seems to be fond of the 24-hour system.
> 
> For comparison purposes: in the Philippines, we can buy an entire roll cake for a little over Php200, and a fancy round cake for Php500. But then again, Japanese prices are different…and Nagisa’s kind of an impulsive spender at heart, so spending what amounts to five thousand yen on roll cakes wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. And besides, like what he wants to tell Rei, it was _just_ the one time.
> 
> Rei’s pasta recipe is _Spaghetti alla Crema di Scampi_ – Spaghetti with Cream and Scampi Sauce – and is taken from the same book where I based _La Campagna_ ’s recipes from _[The Parallelism Project](../../../series/14098)_ on, Diane Seed’s _Top One Hundred Pasta Sauces_.

“When we're talking about materiality, it's not just the monetary value we have to keep in mind, it's the magnitude of the effect it has to the business.” my upperclassman says, making tight, swooping hand gestures with her ballpoint pen. It's a bright, arresting lime green, just like the double-strapped backpack I used to wear to Iwatobi High School, just like the gigantic plush frog Nagisa had won in one of those convoluted UFO catchers on his last birthday. “You remember materiality from the conceptual framework, right? It was just last year, for you.”

“Yes, I do remember, _senpai_.” I reply, pushing up my glasses with one hand. “One must ' _consider both the nature and the size of the transaction_ ', right?”

“Yup.” She takes a long sip of her milk tea before flashing me the smallest of smiles. “You _do_ remember correctly. That's nice.”

Fourth-year Hanataba Kumiko is a good foot shorter than me and looks like the stereotypical little damsel in Nagisa's sappy light novels, but she’s also more than a year older and five to six rungs higher on a hypothetical scale of stoicism. According to her own batch mates, she's a ‘ _tough nut to crack_ ’ and I honestly have no idea how she's taken a shine to me, only that she _has_ and her regard is not something to be taken lightly.

She also happens to be a big fan of one of the sports anime that Nagisa's been particularly busy with nowadays, but that's neither here nor there.

Today, she is here to loan me her notes in Auditing Theory, because I am the kind of student who wants to read through everything a week before classes start, and she's talking about basic principles because she's the kind of student who waxes poetic about anything and everything.

...like _I'm_ one to talk. I don't think I can count how many times Nagisa had fallen asleep on me as I ranted and raved on the importance of double-ruling with proper straight edges.

“Take for example, say, a missed transaction worth a thousand yen - if the business is this big _zaibatsu_ , raking in billions every year, it wouldn't be important enough to be noticed. But if the business is this really small mom-and-pop operation that's barely starting up?”

I clear my throat. “They'd still be awaiting the full return on investment, so every yen would count. That lost thousand yen wouldn't be enough to bite them, not yet, but it'd be material enough for them to make an investigation of sorts.”

“That’s because businesses are different, like people.” Hanataba- _senpai_ says, an inexplicably soft smile on her face. “If someone had a lot of friends, and one of them - _exactly_ one of them - turned on him, he wouldn't mind too much, because she's still got a lot of people who's got his back; because in the face of ten or twenty people, you just lost one person.

“However, if you don’t have much friends, if you only have _one_ friend, losing one friend would devastate you, because losing him would be, for your point of view, losing _everything_.” she contrasts, throwing me a look. “Anyway, enough of that for now…how are you and Hazuki-kun getting along?”

The last thing I remember is thinking that Hanataba- _senpai_ made that segue _on purpose_.

* * *

 

“Rei-chan, Rei-chan!”

“Ngh…” I murmur, squeezing my eyes shut tighter. It’s so warm under the covers that I can’t help but want to stay here forever, even if there seems to be a sizable, warm weight on my chest. I take a deep, shuddering breath, fully intending to roll over to my side, only doing so would dislodge Nagisa…

…wait. _Dislodge Nagisa_? Then that could only mean…

“Nagisa-kun,” I start, cursing my voice, for it still sounds properly half-asleep.

“Rei-chaaaaaaan.” Nagisa drawls, drawing out the suffix for longer than he has a right to.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m waking you up, Rei-chan? I thought it was obvious…”

“No, I mean, what are you doing, how are you waking me up, _why are you sitting on me._ ”

“…because,” Nagisa replies, still not extracting himself off and _away_ from my person, even rocking on his heels that, closer inspection shows, are resting on my collarbone. It’s a miracle he hasn’t broken any of my bones, _yet_. “Breakfast was ready thirty minutes ago, and your alarm’s been ringing ten minutes ago, and you still haven’t woken up?”

“ _Stop sitting on me,_ ” I say, hoping it sounds like a growl. It comes out sounding more like a whine, and it should embarrass me how much it makes Nagisa laugh but it doesn’t and I end up listening to said laugh.

Nagisa’s laugh is beautiful, for lack of a better, more specific word. It’s one of the things I like the most about him, but it’s not like I’ll be telling him that any time soon.

I sigh, willing away all my errant thoughts, at least for the moment. I take a deep breath, muster up my strength – which seems to be a thing I do all the time, ever since I started living with Nagisa – put both my hands on Nagisa’s waist, and sit up.

“Stand up, Nagisa-kun, don’t be so difficult about this.”

“I’m not being difficult, _you’re_ being difficult, why’d you have to be so hard to wake up, _honestly._ ”

“…nevertheless. The breakfast would get colder by now, wouldn’t it?”

By now, our faces are so close that I can see the exact moment that realization strikes in Nagisa’s eyes. It looks almost like a light bulb going off, which makes me want to smile. “Oh, right! C’mon then, now, Rei-chan, breakfast awaits!”

“Fine, I’ll follow you out.”

This is how life has been for us, for the past five years – _has it really been five years?_ I’m the one who prepares breakfast, because unlike some blond roommates who tend to sleep past all their alarm clocks – all _six_ of them – I consider myself a morning person. Nagisa’s the one who makes dinner, because his work hours are more flexible than mine. So this sudden role reversal – Nagisa’s made breakfast, and I’m the one sleeping past my alarms – is a surprise to me.

After taking a damp towel to my face and stretching – I don’t jog properly anymore, only walk a bit brisker during my only commute, but proper stretching is a habit I haven’t grown out of yet – I follow Nagisa to the kitchen, where he’s humming some inane tune again.

“ _Finally_ , Rei-chan. How do you like your coffee?”

“I’ll take it black,” I say, as Nagisa hands me a plate of sunny-side-up, toast and sausages. I don’t remember buying sausages when I last did the groceries, but these ones look so good, I don’t think I could care any less where they came from. “Thank you.”

“Tsch, taking it black is so bitter! How do you get used to it?”

“I don’t ‘get used to it’, Nagisa-kun, I _need_ it. Fresh apples and good, black coffee make all-nighters bearable, you see.” I say, taking a sip. The coffee tastes different, even _better_ , than my usual. “Nagisa-kun, did you go grocery-shopping yesterday?”

Suddenly, Nagisa’s cheeks are dusted by a luminescent red flush, for some reason. He’s gripping his fork and pointedly _not_ looking at me, which is weird. “Ehh? Well, yes, I did, haha, no reason to it, really.”

“Please don’t tell me you cleaned out all the stock of Irina, again.”

“What – no, I didn’t, Rei-chan!”

“That’s good, then.”

 _Irina_ is this fancy bakery in Ginza that sells beautifully printed roll cakes, and one time Nagisa did something I had previously done impossible, and bought every last cake they had in store. Sure, it _was_ near to closing time, and he had brought home _just_ two of each flavour, but that still meant that there were forty-eight cakes and just two of us. Between that, the Suica Penguin bread and the Suica Penguin cake in Ikebukuro, I find myself wondering – not for the last time – how Nagisa-kun gets his work done.

“You’re…not gonna say anything more, Rei-chan?”

“Why would I? You told me before that grocery-shopping was your favourite part of being an adult. As long as you’re not spending the whole grocery budget on sweets, I can and will encourage you to go grocery-shopping more often.” I say, taking in consideration the surprised look on Nagisa’s face. “These sausages, in particular, are wonderful.”

“Aren’t they? They’re what used to have for breakfast, at home.” Nagisa says, grinning. “I used to hide my share under my toasts so my sisters couldn’t snatch them away before I could get to eat them. It was a hectic eighteen years of my life.”

“The more you talk about them, the more it does sound as if the Hazuki family table was a battlefield.”

“Yup, _definitely_.” Nagisa says, jabbing his fork in the air for emphasis. “It’s what I love about sharing a table with you, Rei-chan – you _never_ snatch food from me. I guess I don’t have to be on guard all the time.”

“I’m a big believer in portion control, Nagisa-kun. That means I only will eat exactly what is meant for me.” I say, watching as the egg yolk spreads across a piece of toast. “And besides, between the two of us, _you’re_ the one who does all the snatching, remember?”

“I can’t help it, I’ve grown up with food thieves all my early life!”

“You’re impossible,” I say, shaking my head as I finish off my plate with gusto. Despite what he says, Nagisa really is a better cook than he insists he is.

* * *

 

I get the call just before lunch break ends, and suddenly feel so ridiculous over forgetting in the first place.

“Hello, is this Mister Ryugazaki?”

“Yes, I am, who is this?”

“Good day, sir! I’m from the Hotel Metropolitan. I just wanted you to know that the Suica Penguin cake you ordered is ready for pickup. Please claim the cake before closing hours today.”

Right, it’s the penguin cake, the one I ordered, for _Nagisa’s birthday_. No wonder he had been acting a bit odder than usual, when he waved me off this morning. How out of it had I been, to not have noticed the date on my mobile, on my desktop, the same one I keep typing in the Date column of my worksheets – _August 1?_

“I shall do so. May I ask what your working hours are?”

“We’re open until 22:00, today.”

“I’ll come over to pick it up, then, thank you for the reminder.” I say, exchanging farewells with the employee over the phone. Call finished, I take a deep breath, and massage my temples.

Then, ascertaining that I still have exactly five minutes until lunch break officially ends, I pick up my personal phone and switch it on. I usually have my personal phone turned off during work hours – which is probably why I gave my work phone number to the hotel bakery – because despite my telling him to restrain from doing so, Nagisa tends to text, _a lot_. I tell him he could always tell me his stories when we both get home instead, but…he’s that kind of person, who feels like he’s about to burst when he doesn’t get to tell people things.

“ _Hello, Rei-chan!_ ” Nagisa says, accepting the call in what seems like mere seconds. Maybe they’re having lunch break over at their recording studio, as well? “ _Why’d you call? You don’t usually call_.”

“Nothing in particular,” I say, hopefully nonchalantly, as a plan brews in my head. If I say that I intended to surprise him with the birthday cake, I could probably be excused for not greeting him a happy birthday, earlier… “Say, Nagisa-kun, do you have any plans today?”

“ _Err…no, no I don’t have any, actually_.” Nagisa says, almost shyly. I can hear him half-whispering “ ** _shut uuup_** ” to somebody on his side of the line; said somebody giggles. I wonder what he looks like right now, for his workmates to be giggling so? “ _Why_?”

“It’s just that – well, you went and made breakfast earlier, so I thought it would only be fair to make dinner.” I say, looking at my audit time frame. Just my luck that our team happens to be a few days ahead of schedule; I can dismiss my people earlier than our usual, today. “I’ll be going home early today.”

“ _Early for normal people, or early for **you**_?”

“Around 21:00, so yeah, early for me.” I say, considering the commute, the cake, and the contents of our pantry. “Would you be home before then?”

“ _No – actually you’ll get there before I do, Rei-chan, we’ll be finishing up these new scenes today. But I’ll be home before 22:00?_ ”

“Perfect.” I say, smiling to myself. “I’ll see you later then, Nagisa-kun. Keep up the good work.”

“ _Knock ‘em dead, Rei-chan_.” Nagisa says, and then appends, “ _Hypothetically_.”

“Of course.”

* * *

 

After coming home and depositing the cake box in the fridge, I think about dinner.

Dinner is pasta, dried spaghetti with a cream and prawn sauce. I went grocery-shopping in the evening, though, so of course I’d have to settle for the frozen prawns. I hope Nagisa doesn’t mind; then again, that man eats just about anything.

In comes the oil and prawn heads, next the finely-chopped tails. I haven’t made dinner in a while, so I’m kind of not at home with the larger-sized frying pan we use for heavier meals, but I pick up my pace easily. It’s a good thing, then, that I have always prided myself upon my _mise en place_ – everything I would be needing is within reach, properly pre-measured in these colorful little bowls Nagisa bought when we first moved in.

I’ve just added the white wine when I hear movement in the foyer. “Hey, Rei-chan! Mmm, that smells delicious!”

“Welcome home, Nagisa-kun, and I’m only starting off the sauce, stop flattering me.” I say, adding the cream. In a separate pot, I cook the dried pasta. “Dinner will be ready when the sauce boils.”

“Guess I’ll just take something to tide me over, then.” Nagisa says, chuckling as he moves to open the fridge…

…only to see me standing in his way.

“Rei-chan?”

“Don’t open the fridge.”

He can’t open the fridge, not _now_ , because if he did he’ll see the cake and then I’ll have to explain what exactly a full-sized Suica Penguin cake is doing in our fridge and then the element of surprise wouldn’t be on my side anymore. So I make up an excuse. “Well…electricity bills are rising! So it would only be logical for us to open the fridge sparingly, seeing as it’s one of the highest energy users we own.”

Nagisa doesn’t look convinced – well I didn’t say I would make up a _good_ excuse – but thankfully, he lets it pass. “Ahh, so that’s why you already have all your ingredients out, right? So you don’t have to open the fridge again.”

“That’s…right, actually.” I say, reaching above the fridge for the biscuits Nagisa seems to like buying so much. “I won’t advise you to eat too much of this, but…just enough to tide you over.”

“Got it,” Nagisa says, smiling as he heads out to our living room. When he busies himself with the crackers and the television – surprisingly keeping the lights off, surprisingly putting my fake words to heart – I let out a deep breath and check the sauce if it’s boiling.

When it does boil, I let it simmer for a few more minutes and take out the smaller spoon I use for taste-testing. Nagisa’s a big believer in double-dipping, but I am not, so I transfer sauce from my cooking utensil to the spoon, and add freshly-cracked pepper. The pasta had also been done for a while by then, so I take the colander and mix it in with the sauce.

Pasta properly mixed, I take out two modest servings and cover the leftovers in the pan. “Dinner’s ready,” I say, and hear Nagisa stepping closer.

“Whoa, it really _does_ smell good, and I’m not just saying that ‘cuz you’re Rei-chan.” Nagisa says, his face looking very much like the one I tend to have when faced with another set of beautifully butterfly-printed pajamas.

“Well, then I hope it tastes as good as it smells, then.”

“ _It tastes better,_ ” Nagisa _sighs_ , after his first bite, and just like that red floods my cheeks again. For the love of everything good and holy, Rei Ryugazaki, you are _a grown man_ , you are _not_ supposed to blush this easily. “God, I can eat this _forever_ , Rei-chan.”

“You won’t, Nagisa-kun,” I say, taking a bite out of my own serving and silently affirming to myself that, yes, I really _did_ choose well with this recipe. “It doesn’t have strawberries in it.”

“True, but _still_.” Nagisa says. “I really did strike gold with this roommate business. Even if you do still nag at me for the smallest things, you do stuff like this and it’s all worth it.”

“Nice you know you’ve just been keeping me around for my culinary abilities, then.” I say, huffing a bit.

“Aww, I don’t mean that, Rei-chan. Seriously – whoever it is you’re gonna end up with is gonna be really happy.” Nagisa says, smiling wanly as he twirls pasta around his fork. “I’m kinda jealous of her, to be honest.”

“Why would you be?” I say, trying not to think too hard about the look that Nagisa makes while thinking about my hypothetical girlfriend, apparently.

“Well, because she gets a guy who’s intelligent, handsome, a hard-worker, and who cooks like a Michelin chef.” Nagisa says, his tone of voice toeing the line between curious and terrified as he asks me. “Why _don’t_ you have a girlfriend, by the way?”

“I – well, I don’t think I really thought about getting one, to be honest.” I say, more than a bit unnerved, both by Nagisa’s face and by how far our conversation has strayed from its tracks. “But there’s something our Accounting professors always told us, in college – that we Accounting majors are either doomed to be in marriages where we only meet our spouses for a handful of hours a day, or to ultimately end up with no one and die alone.” I chuckle. “We have long work hours, which are not conducive to being a good boyfriend, and all my co-workers are just as focused as I am, if not _more_ focused – we’re too busy preparing for the closing of the third quarter to look for romance. My elder brother has a fiancée, so my family has pretty much made their peace with the idea that I might take the second option instead.”

“But you won’t be dying alone?” Nagisa says, almost _carefully_ , as a smile – a _shy_ smile, wonders never cease – forms on his face. “I mean, I’m here.”

“Yes, I guess I’m not the only one who struck gold, then.” I say, noticing how Nagisa’s finished his plate and hoping the compliment flew over his head…it _didn’t_ ; his cheeks have only turned redder. “If you’re done with dinner, I shall fetch us dessert.”

“Wha – Rei-chan, _you got us dessert_?” Nagisa parrots, wide-eyed as he gapes at me as if I’ve just said I’m quitting my job.

“Well, I shall be getting us dessert, as soon as you stop looking at me like that, Nagisa-kun.” I reply, chuckling as I turn away. Here goes nothing, then.

As I turn back to him, box in hand, his eyes grow even wider.

“Rei-chan…you didn’t have to.”

“I don’t _have_ to, but I _want_ to, Nagisa-kun.” I say, lighting the candle I perched on Suica’s forehead. “There’s a big difference.”

“Rei-chan…” Nagisa murmurs, and from the looks of it he looks like he’s about to cry.

It’s the first time we’re celebrating his birthday all on our lonesome, after all, without Makoto- _senpai_ who returned to Iwatobi to teach there. Maybe, after my nonchalance this morning, he really had thought I was going to not celebrate his birthday, seeing as I could have been construed as someone who just went along with Makoto- _senpai_ ’s plans for birthday celebrations. And, seeing as I am not actually a cake person, I guess my going off and buying this cake – this cake that he knows full well is special-ordered and rather pricey – struck some chord with him.

But still. It wouldn’t be good for the birthday boy to cry.

“Happy birthday, Nagisa-kun,” I say, reaching a hand out to him to dab at his eyes with a tissue. “Now make a wish.”

* * *

 

 

 

What Rei-chan doesn’t know is, my wish became true already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes, yes, that last line is in Nagisa’s POV. Yes he has the same thoughts going through his mind as Rei in his own birthday fic – the canon-compliant _[Purple Ombré Mini Cakes](../../1080681)_ – and I really didn’t mean for that to happen, it just did. Boys, why are your minds so synchronized? Trish, why are you so sappy?
> 
> Also, " _I don't have to, but I want to - there's a difference_ " seems to be the unintentional arc words of the entire Retrouvaille AU. Look back at the  _[Retrouvaille](../../1015471)_  proper and see that I seem to have used this either twice or thrice - and here it is, again. It does make sense to be the arc words, though - they didn't just end up with the relationships they have, they chose to be in them. If I make any sense.
> 
> The next chapter…shall hopefully be the last one, and shall occur after what seems to be another one/two-year time skip! Chapter 1 had the boys in first year HS (15-16), chapter 2 had them graduating and starting college (17-18), chapter 3 had them in their first college year (18-19?), and this chapter has them a year after graduation (23-24, if Japanese colleges have four-year Accountancy and History programs like the Philippines does). As Mako and Haru are around 26 during the timeframe of _Retrouvaille_  (because, as I said there, Ren and Ran are 17 and have an eight/nine-year age gap with their big bro), Nagisa and Rei would be around 25 during said timeframe.
> 
> Rei’s a third-year in the beginning flashback, so he’s around 21-22. Hanataba Kumiko is an OC I once used in one of my long-dropped original fiction/semi-autobiographical series, and is pretty much me with a pretty anime face. This is actually the reason why this fic is titled this way – because depending on the nature of a transaction, it can be more important to smaller businesses than to larger ones, even if it costs the same in both businesses. Materiality is also referring to the most amount an account balance can be misstated – the most amount it can be _changed_ – without the entire financial statement having to change drastically.
> 
> To apply it to our boys Rei and Nagisa: their whole world had been misstated, had been changed, when this AU is taken in comparison with the Free! canon, but all the changes – no Haru, no Rin, no swim club – had not been material enough to change the relationship they share. I hope that makes even a modicum of sense.
> 
> Another note: If, say, Free! was set in 2013, and both Rei and Nagisa are 16 in this year…then that means Nagisa turns 24 on August 1, 2021…which happens to be a Sunday. Let’s just accept that Rei-chan the very busy external auditor happens to be a very busy man and move on…


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As per usual, Nagisa makes plans for the both of them. (Retrouvaille POV shift pt.1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Makoto’s POV of this chapter, please be redirected to [_Retrouvaille_ chapter 2](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1015471/chapters/2036381), and the first scene of [_Retrouvaille_ chapter 3](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1015471/chapters/2039665).

Nagisa’s pacing in front of my bedroom door.

I should be asleep by now – there’s a hectic day at work tomorrow, seeing as it’s almost the deadline for the interim tax returns and some of the employees of our client thought it a wise idea to lose half of the ORs – but between the pacing and the odd way that Nagisa had been acting like since dinner, I could not find it in myself to fall back to sleep.

I can hear Nagisa sucking in a deep breath, like he usually did when he was nervous. Actually, the whole package of how he was acting like right now was how he was when nervous – pacing, jittery, cannot ever sit still. I’d ask him what it was he was being so worked up about, if only I knew he wouldn’t make up a lie on the spot. And I wouldn’t even know it, because Nagisa is a _terrific_ liar.

The next thing I hear is Nagisa saying, “Mako-chan, guess what, _guess what!_ ”

A phone call to Makoto- _senpai_ , then. I take my glasses from the bedside table, hazard a look at the clock – the neon-blue digital numbers spell out three o’clock. Why is Nagisa getting all worked up over calling Makoto- _senpai_ , and why is he calling Makoto- _senpai_ at three o’clock in the morning?

“Hmph.” I hear Nagisa grumble, and though he affects his usual air of childishness there is still something noticeably _off_ about it, as if he was just reading lines off a script. “Here I was thinking you wouldn’t be such a stick-in-the-mud about it.”

I can’t hear what Makoto- _senpai_ has to say about that, but my guess is he’s sighing again, with that little furrow forming in the middle of his brows…which is usually the standard expression of the faces of people who have to deal with early-morning Nagisa, come to think of it.

“Oh, right!” Nagisa exclaims, suddenly, clapping his hands together. “I just thought you’d like to know that Rei-chan and I are going visiting at the end of the month.”

 _We_ _are_? I sit up in bed, suddenly, shocked more at the idea of returning to Iwatobi than at the fact that Nagisa makes plans for both of us – he _always_ makes my decisions for me, which is something that I should really stop letting him do, but that’s neither here nor there.

Something Makoto- _senpai_ says apparently makes Nagisa chuckle, because he’s still laughing as he says, “It’s a good thing you aren’t an Accounting professor, Mako-chan. They’re called ‘ _interim statements_ ’, and no, of course Rei-chan would be done with them before the actual deadline, because he’s _just that good."_

Actually, as would be evidenced by tomorrow’s capital-H Hectic work day, our team isn’t yet done with the interim work. Never mind that we external auditors aren’t really the one tasked with doing financial statements, interim or otherwise, in the first place…for _Nagisa_ , who hated Mathematics with a passion, to remember my usage of the term _interim_ is nothing short of a miracle.

I resist the urge to blush at the compliment he throws me – whether unconsciously said or not – but who cares, I’m all alone in this bedroom anyway and there’s nobody here to see me turning into a tomato.

“One thing, though,” Nagisa wonders, starting to pace again. I have a feeling that he’s going to talk about what he actually called Makoto- _senpai_ for – at _three o’clock in the morning_ – which is why his nervousness is getting to him yet again. “You never tell us how things are at your end.”

Makoto- _senpai_ says something in return, and I cannot make a guess as to what it was but it makes Nagisa suck in another deep breath. “You could’ve been here with us too, Mako-chan.” Nagisa says, and something about the tone in his voice – longing, needing, _yearning_ – makes my chest ache.

The memory comes unbidden, but I remember it anyway – _everyone who meets Mako-chan gets at least a little bit in love with him_.

I understand what he meant back then, just like I understand what he meant right now, but still, it doesn’t stop my chest of aching.

Then again, we did have spicy curry for dinner. Maybe it’s just heartburn.

“Remember that swanky elementary school? Remember the offer they made?”

The truth is, after college, I was never going to be Nagisa’s _only_ roommate, like we had been for all our college years. One of Makoto- _senpai_ ’s professors was also a member of the Board of Directors of the most prestigious elementary school in Japan, and Makoto- _senpai_ ’s skills and patience in his OJTs made him memorable to said professor. He offered Makoto- _senpai_ the job, Makoto- _senpai_ said he’ll think about it, and Nagisa immediately set out to look for three-bedroom apartments.

Out of all the three-bedroom apartments Nagisa had found his favourite was this one, the one we both live in right now – just a couple of stops away from Makoto- _senpai_ ’s intended workplace, as well as a couple stops away from my own. It’s also thirty minutes away from an aquarium which happens to have penguins, but up to now I have no idea as to whether or not that was just a happy coincidence.

Suddenly, though, Makoto- _senpai_ rejected the offer. He told us something about staying close to home and taking care of the twins, which was odd since both Ran and Ren had been in middle school at the time. I would have written his rejection off to one of his eccentricities, if only Nagisa hadn’t appeared in my room that night with tears in his eyes as he said, “Mako-chan’s _still_ a bad liar.”

So I took a reasonable amount of overtime hours, reassigned myself to some higher-paying clients in addition to my usual ones, and basically I find it very hard to find a life outside of statements and assertions and Nagisa, but we’re keeping the apartment and everything is pretty much in order.

Which is why Nagisa’s behavior right now is rather suspect; which is why I find myself wishing, not for the first time, that I can read what exactly is going on in Nagisa’s head.

It just might save me a whole lot of unneeded grief.

“… _right_.” Nagisa says, and I can’t help but muffle a laugh behind my palm – I bet he’s rolling his eyes again, what with that tone of voice that, oddly, sort of resembles my own. “Please tell me you’re _at least_ making friends, Mako-chan.”

I have a feeling that Makoto- _senpai_ ’s answer is an affirmative one, because I can hear Nagisa’s sudden hop. “Don’t be so _shy_ , Mako-chan.” Nagisa almost _croons_ , in that voice of his that got him to coax embarrassing childhood stories out of me, and even _Rin_. “Tell me about ‘em.”

“Huh. Not as helpful as I thought, but okay.” he says, thoughtful at first, before sucking in _another_ breath – _bracing himself_ – and piping up, in his most excited tone this early morning, “You have _got_ to introduce us.”

“Well, we’ve got to thank them for keeping our Mako-chan company, of course.” Nagisa explains, pacing again, though there seems to be an undertone of relief to his voice. It seems Makoto- _senpai_ hasn’t _completely_ disagreed with his plans.

“We don’t have to, but we _want_ to. There’s a big difference, Mako-chan.” Nagisa says.

Ever since I told him that – since his birthday last year – he’s become unusually fond of those words. I’ve tried to ask him as to why, but he only smiles and tells me that his reasons have always been obvious.

Well, maybe he intends for them to be obvious, but what’s obvious to Nagisa isn’t always obvious _to me_. Just like how, between us two, it’s usually the other way around.

“We’ll be seeing you…next week, tops.” Nagisa says, and ends the call. From the sound of it, he seems to have leaned on my bedroom door, as he takes a deep sigh.

I don’t think no one would find it hard to guess which senior associate is going to have the unenviable job of cramming two weeks of work into one week of overtime, then.

* * *

 

I ask him about the call over breakfast later in the morning, and the first thing Nagisa does is ask me “How much did you hear?” with pink cheeks and a wide-eyed expression.

“Not much,” I say, “Though I was kind of intrigued by the fact that _we’re_ apparently going back to Iwatobi next week. Consider me excited, but I think I really have to start packing, don’t I, _Nagisa-kun_?”

“I’m sorry, Rei-chan, for dragging you into this,” Nagisa says, pushing his breakfast around with a fork, and I am suddenly struck by one of the oddest cases of déjà vu. “I know you’re very busy right now – you’re very busy _always_ – and I just…said that without thinking, I guess.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” I reply, partly because the look on Nagisa’s face right now is slightly worrying and partly because…well, I think he doesn’t have to apologize over something I’ve gotten used to, _fond_ of, even.

“Truthfully it’s because,” Nagisa continues on, in a softer voice than his usual, cheeks still flushed pink. “I didn’t really want to go back to Iwatobi without you. I still don’t. It’s why I _really_ wanted to stay in Tokyo in the first place – because that’s where _you_ are, so that’s where I’ll stay.”

It seems like pink cheeks are going to be in vogue at our breakfast table, because _I’m_ now sporting them as well. Luckily – for me – Nagisa’s way too focused with pushing around the remains of his scrambled eggs to notice.

“I thought,” I say, “that you wanted to stay in Tokyo because _Makoto-senpai_ was going to take a job here.”

“Well if that were true then I could’ve just moved elsewhere when he didn’t take it, right?” Nagisa says, eyes closed as he smiles at me, oddly not using “ _Mako-chan_ ” in that sentence.

I have the feeling that right now, he doesn’t seem to want to look at me, which is weird in itself because between the two of us, he’s not usually the one who looks away. That’s _my_ job, the one I _suck_ at because I find it hard to stop looking at Nagisa.

I clear my throat, trying very hard not to let myself become fixated on that last thought. “Putting that aside for now…you know you can always go back to Iwatobi on your own if you want to, right? You never have to ask for my permission.”

“I know I don’t have to, but –” He doesn’t say it out loud, but I know how he intends that sentence to end. _But I want to._ That turn of phrase again. “I don’t know why. It’s just that the thought of going back to Iwatobi without you makes me feel sick. Not _sick_ , not exactly – the closest thing I can think of is how Mako-chan feels when we’re near a pool, but I don’t think that’s exactly the same.”

Makoto- _senpai_ – pool – feeling sick but not exactly – slightly (?) distressing memory – the freestyle swimmer, _Haruka_. Nagisa is basically telling me that spending time without me in a place we used to spend time in would be similar to Makoto- _senpai_ doing the same without Haruka, as he had been for the past decade or so.

I don’t know what I should do with this information, so I take another swig of slightly-cold coffee instead.

“– but if you’re really busy – which you _are_ , I know, I almost had to manhandle you to let go of your papers and get in bed and _sleep_ last night, which you obviously are bad at because you woke up at three AM and heard me saying all those stuff – I can always tell Mako-chan that you’re still _that good_ at interim stuff, but other people _aren’t_ and ever the amazing one, you’ve been tasked to do their work for them and we can’t help but move our trip to a later date –”

“I’m coming with you.” I say, and Nagisa looks at me as if I’ve just said I was quitting my job to take up a career in the arts – which would be impossible, highly _improbable_ , because while I _do_ love the arts, not all loves are reciprocated.

“Rei-chan?”

“It’d be lovely to see Makoto- _senpai_ again.” I say, throwing back the last remnants of my coffee. “And besides…someone has to be there to look after you.”

The embarrassment is worth the sudden embrace Nagisa throws me, and when he tells me “Rei-chan, I love you _very much_ ” I have to remind myself that this is _Nagisa_ , and it’s highly probable that he doesn’t mean it the way it’s usually meant.

I _think_.

* * *

 

“Thanks for coming along with me, really, Rei-chan.” Nagisa says, as we walk across the park. One of his arms is wrapped around one of mine, just as it always is when Nagisa’s either excited or… _scared_ of something. He’s just as tall as I am, now, so it only takes a sideways glance for me to check: definitely scared.

“What’s going on, Nagisa?” I say.

“Rei-chan?” Nagisa murmurs, the tiniest beginnings of a flush forming on his face.

It takes me _that_ long to notice how I forgot the honorific.

“…- _kun_. _Nagisa-kun_.” I mumble, lamely, and clear my throat. “Nagisa-kun, please tell me, _what is going on_.”

“Nothing’s going on! It’s just – we’re going to see Mako-chan today. I’m excited.”

“I still can’t know when you’re lying, you’re too good at it – but I know enough to say that I have it on good authority that you don’t look like _that_ when you’re excited, Nagisa-kun.” I say.

“Ahh…you’re sharp as ever, Rei-chan.” Nagisa concedes, sighing. His grip on my arm grows a bit tighter, as if he’s afraid I’ll be swept away, which is silly because grown men don’t get swept away by breezes. “You’re right. I’m not excited. To be quite honest with you, I’m _terrified_.”

“Is there something wrong?” I say, squeezing his hand with my free hand in a gesture meant to be comforting.

In my mind I’m already planning for worst-case scenarios – we don’t have enough money in the bank to kickstart a kidnapping, these are the moves best to keep in mind in case of sudden assault, in the absence of proper equipment this is the probability that red wires should be cut and not blue ones, _if someone ever makes Nagisa this scared again I shall make sure they live to regret it._

Well, one of those isn’t exactly a sound plan, but I have a feeling that it’s the one I’m going to prioritize.

“No, it’s just – you know my sister, right? Izumi- _nee…_ I don’t think she’s lying, but I don’t think it’s _rational_ for me to believe what she said at face value, though.”

“I told you before, didn’t I? You don’t _have_ to be rational. You’re already spontaneous enough for the both of us, so I’ll be rational enough for the both of us, as well. It’s worked fine for us so far.”

“Yes, but still…” Nagisa sighs, “It doesn’t seem right for me to go jumping in, without any other evidences, and make assumptions about the situation.”

“Well, here’s the thing, Nagisa-kun,” I say, thinking how best to phrase this. “Have I ever told you about analytical procedure?”

“I think you had, but I don’t remember,” Nagisa replies. “That’s your thing, and as far as I know it’s best to leave things to the professionals at all times.”

I try not to think too hard about that compliment, because if I do as much as I want to right now I don’t think I know how I could possibly go on. “The first step is to make an independent expectation. You see – when people think of us accountants, of us auditors, the first thing they think is that everything we do is a hundred percent accurate. We’re accurate, true, but only to a point, and everything all starts from guesswork, to be honest.”

Nagisa startles at that. “You mean you _aren’t_ always a hundred percent accurate, Rei-chan?” he says, with such a befuddled tone of voice that I can’t help but chuckle.

“I _aim_ to be, but I’m just human, Nagisa-kun. We _all_ are.” I reply. “Based on the things you hear and know and see about the entity, you make an estimate as to how his balances should be. You assume, then, because it’s _just_ an assumption, you calculate an allowance for error. After doing so, you find out what the balance is – the _actual_ balance – and compare it to your earlier assumption. If the difference far exceeds the threshold you calculated, then you investigate. If it doesn’t exceed, you investigate.”

“You know…Rei-chan.”

“Yes, Nagisa-kun.”

“You see, I have the feeling you’re trying to comfort me, but to be honest it’s going all over my head.”

I sigh. Maybe I really should stop mouthing off of my friends. “The point is…it’s fine to assume, Nagisa-kun. It’s all right to make expectations. The important thing is, when reality doesn’t line up with your expectations, you have to find out the reason _why_ , because if you do you just might have a chance to make their difference less drastic.”

Understanding finally dawns, apparently, because Nagisa squeezes my arm and opens his mouth, about to award me with another one of his exuberant “ _Thank you, Rei-chan_!”s. That is what he _intended_ to do, at least, before he saw them.

“Mako-chan, Mako-chan’s friend, _hello_!” Nagisa says, all but _hauling_ me to the direction of the duck pond.

There stands Makoto- _senpai_ , tall and tan and gentle as ever, his hands on another man’s shoulders, eyes wide and somewhat dazed as he looks at us both. From our viewpoint I can only vaguely make out what he’s saying – “ _Timing_ , Nagisa,” – and from the way his shoulders shake I have the feeling that the other man is laughing. He must be, because Makoto- _senpai_ ’s shushing him.

For all his exuberance, however, as we reach the two men Nagisa stills to a stop, and from an outside perspective he looks like his usual – eyes wide, expression curious, arm wrapped around mine – but I’ve lived with him long enough to pick up on the expressions behind his expressions, and what I do see startles me.

There is a faint tinge of worry in his eyes, and his brow is creased slightly just _so_ , and his mouth seems to be forming words he doesn’t know how to say.

So I look back, to see what’s making him feel that way, and so I see it.

Dark hair, slim frame, stoic expression. It could be anyone, but his eyes are just _so blue_ and I swear it’s the exact same pair Nagisa pointed out to me on the old photograph, many years ago.

_Haruka Nanase._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next half of _Retrouvaille_ chapter 3 shall be written up next, as well as the POV rewrite of chapters 4 and 5. I’m aiming to at least get the former done before the year ends, but my classes start January 3 and I’m signed up for the January [Free! collab](http://iwatobiartfics.tumblr.com/) as well as the [MakoHaru festival](http://makoharufestival.tumblr.com/), so I shan’t make any promises…
> 
> Because “ _Nagisa_ ” means “beach/shore”, I have an errant headcanon that his sisters are named after bodies of water. Which might be silly, seeing as while “ _Izumi_ ” and “ _Umi_ ” are fine, if not a bit clichéd, I might hit a roadblock with “ _Kawako_ ”…hmm, Kawako. Ergh, never mind me.
> 
> I’m still at a crossroads as to how this pair will pan out. I mean, how I write an ambiguous pair is pretty much how I write a romantic pair – see how I’ve written the MakoHaru in _Retrouvaille_ , for further reference – only I didn’t go and call them outright boyfriends. This is especially obvious once you consider that I’m not comfortable with writing kissing scenes and such would prefer to opt out of them whenever possible – hence, the most ‘drastic’ thing that I would write is an embrace, whether the pair be male/female or not. These boys have been hugging left and right, no thanks to Nagisa’s peculiarities. They’re living together, for goodness’ sake, reminding me very much of Sherlock and John, who I’ve written ambiguously before, who I can also ship romantically.
> 
> Can you see where I’m going here?
> 
> Either way, these two dorks will have their happy ending. I will ensure it.
> 
> Again, thanks for reading, guys! You have no idea how happy your kudos and nice comments make me feel…writing would not be the same without you guys. Here’s to hoping you’ll enjoy reading _Materiality_ , until the end!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Retrouvaille POV shift pt.2 - Rei overthinks again, which is an odd thing to be doing when you're pushing your twenty-five-year-old roommate around on a swing set. Also: angst. Loads of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Makoto's POV of this chapter, please take a look at [Retrouvaille chapter three!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1015471/chapters/2039665)

Somehow, one thing leads to another, and we end up _here_.

It's not a choice no one else would expect to be made by grown men like ourselves - but it's the only choice _Nagisa_ would ever make, seeing as he had been set loose upon a park, after all.

We end up at a swing set, perfectly workable but not in tip-top condition - I look at the rusty chain links, imagine touching them, and shudder. Yeah, guess I'll have to formulate a plan to politely yet efficiently beg off of my turn, then.

Said plan, however, dissipates when Nagisa takes me by the arm and _pulls_. "Push me on the swing, Rei-chan, _come onnn_."

Right there and then, I think of a lot of things.

I think of the ridiculousness of the situation.

I think of how unsightly it would be to have rusty chains scraping against my skin.

I think of how warm Nagisa's hand feels against mine.

I think I don't _ever_ want to let go.

...well then. I clear my throat, and think that I should just get to it and stop thinking dangerous thoughts.

"Just the _one_ time," I concede, my sigh drowned out by another one of Nagisa's enthusiastic yells. Makoto- _senpai_ \- who is standing close enough to touch his companion's hand, but isn't doing so - looks at us both, and smiles.

He makes a gesture with his hand that we choose to interpret as _go on, Rei, we'll be close behind_.

"Why does it have to be _me_ who does the pushing, Nagisa-kun?" I groan, perfectly aware that I am now walking to the swing of my own volition and as such has no need to be dragged about by Nagisa anymore. "Surely you have more than enough strength to push yourself on the swing set, seeing as the leg muscles you'll be needing are definitely up to the task?"

"Rei-chan, Rei-chan, Rei-chan..." Nagisa murmurs, shaking his head with disappointment. "Please don't tell me you hadn't gone out to play when you were little..."

"Well, then today's not your lucky day, Nagisa-kun, because that is _exactly_ what I am about to tell you." I say, and it's pretty hard to for me to miss the flash of sheer sadness that flashes through Nagisa's face, before he chases it quickly out with a façade of befuddlement.

"Don't make that face," I hear myself say.

"What face?" Nagisa parrots.

"That... _that_. That face." I say, somewhat lamely because if Nagisa ever catches on as to how long I have been paying attention to his face, I don't know what I should best do with myself. "Don't feel sorry over it. I spent all my childhood years mostly alone, yes, but I got by just fine."

As Nagisa's face slowly regains its usual joviality, I firmly decide _never_ to tell him about the parts where I literally had the whole class gang up to make my life hell in all my six years of grade school.

Well, nobody's just _born_ with the nerve to threaten half the track team using carefully-chosen words and strategically-shown arm muscles, after all.

It's pretty easy for me to forget about such thoughts, especially when Nagisa squeezes my hand and guides me to hold the chain links holding up the swing seat, which...surprisingly don't look as rusty, up close. Or maybe I'm just too lost in the leftover warmth of Nagisa's hand to care, which is more than a little bit distressing.

“Your name is ‘ _Haruka_ ’?” Nagisa says, as I start pushing him back and forth, back and forth. “That’s pretty girly.”

“Nagisa-kun, that’s not a nice thing to say.” I sigh, and then turn to face Makoto- _senpai_ ’s companion, who's clutching loosely on the swing chains and hasn't spoken a word since Nagisa and I crashed their - date, could I possibly call that a date? “I’m really sorry for that, Mister –”

I’m about to finish my sentence and say _Mister Nanase_ , only – I stop myself. Had my hasty assumptions been correct, and is this man standing in front of us _really_ Makoto- _senpai_ ’s long-lost childhood best friend? Or is it merely a coincidence – a all-too bittersweet coincidence – and it just so happens that a man can have the exact same bright blue eyes and hair color and hairstyle, and despite looking so much like him is not the infamous Nanase after all?

In the last case, my calling him Nanase would definitely have an effect on Makoto- _senpai,_ and it pains me to even _think_ of affecting him in such a manner.

It's almost imperceptible, the slight twitch that goes through the dark-haired man's body, but Makoto- _senpai_ picks up on it because he's looking at his companion with a confused expression. The man says, in a voice that could be called a nonchalant one: “Just ‘ _Haruka_ ’ would be fine.” He then bites his lip, and gives himself a lazy push on the swing.

“Then let me say that you are free to disregard anything else this little rascal says, Haruka-san.” I say, forcing a smile and trying not to think too much about how Haruka didn't offer me his last name, as well as how incidental it would be for Makoto- _senpai_ to meet two unrelated and greatly identical Harukas in the small town of Iwatobi. In the process of erasing such thoughts from my mind, however - I seem to have exerted a little bit more effort in my swing-pushing than would be necessary, because Nagisa suddenly groans and digs his heels in the sand.

“Stop calling me a ‘ _little rascal_ ’, Rei-chan.” Nagisa whines, eliciting an exasperated sigh from both me and Makoto- _senpai_. “Besides, I’m not ‘ _little_ ’ anymore, I’m _taller_ than you!”

“I’ll stop calling you a little rascal, when you finally stop  _acting_  like one. And you’re only taller by  _one centimeter_.” I grunt, and click my tongue, once, in annoyance. Ever since Nagisa exceeded my height - which is still stable at six feet; I haven't grown since entering university, which is to be expected seeing as I've already gone through my own growth spurt years ago - he's never really stopped forgetting to remind me about the existence of that solitary centimeter. It's getting kind of old, really, but since it's Nagisa, I don't seem to mind this as much as I would had the one doing the ribbing been someone other than him.

This seems to be a common occurence when it comes to matters concerning Nagisa - as long as it's Nagisa who's with me, I find myself surprisingly not caring about the specifics.

...to distract myself from thinking about such dangerous thoughts, I look to the side, to where Makoto- _senpai_ is standing, watching us. This turns out to be a mistake, however: Makoto- _senpai_ 's smiling as he looks at us, that fond smile that reminds me so much of a mother looking fondly at her children...as they  _get married_.

“Makoto,” Haruka says, suddenly, thankfully relieving me of reading too much into Makoto- _senpai_ 's gaze as I am wont to do. Makoto- _senpai_ 's head turns almost comically quickly to look at him, and from my angle I can see the faintest hints of red dusting his cheeks. Haruka doesn't seem to mind said blush, only stands up and gestures to the swing seat he had only recently vacated. “Sit down.”

“No, but Haru, I’m fine," Makoto- _senpai_ says, both arms raised and waving in protest, a shy smile on his face. "You really don’t have to…”

“He doesn’t have to, but he _wants_ to, Mako-chan. I keep telling you there’s a difference.” Nagisa says, in a surprisingly lower voice than his usual, and it shocks me so much that I can't even muster the strength to pull his stubborn heels away from the ground like I had been, easily, for the past few minutes. I swallow down... _something_ I can't really define, only I must have miscalculated because said swallowing sound comes out sounding more like a squawk and great job, me, now Nagisa's giggling. He does, however, take a moment out of his giggling fit and tells our companions to “Get on with it, you two.”

“Tell me if it gets difficult for you.” Makoto- _senpai_ says as he sits down, considerate as ever.

See, if certain roommates were as thoughtful as certain elementary teachers who have frequently been called Iwatobi's ' _miracle of the universe_ ', I guess I'd be aging a lot slower than I seem to be right now, which would be good because whitening hairs are not beautiful. Or at least they aren't beautiful on  _me_.

Haruka only rolls his eyes as he begins to push. “You’re not that heavy.”

“You say the nicest things, Haru.” Makoto- _senpai_ says, the flush growing even more resplendent on his face as he smiles wider. I've seen him smile lots of times before, but - but for some reason, I have the feeling that this smile, this Makoto- _senpai_ , is different than any other version I've seen before.

Which begs the question, though: how long has it been since Makoto- _senpai_ had been this purely content? Have I ever seen him just be _happy_ without having to detect some thrumming undercurrent of sadness or loneliness or worry, or has that something that went the way of Haruka Nanase's train almost a decade ago?

Nagisa chooses that moment to speak, then, and although his voice has returned to its normal pitch I can still feel the barest hints of hesitation in it. “Say, Haru-chan.”

“Please don’t use ‘- _chan_ ’ with my name.” Haruka snaps, and - and I'm not looking at him, my eyes seem to be busy with marvelling over the waves of Nagisa's blond hair, for some reason, but I can hear the sudden hitch in his breathing. It's as if the words he had just said had been spoken by him on autopilot, and he's stopping himself because he really thinks he shouldn't be saying those words now -

\- why _shouldn't_ he do so, though? Nagisa's face falls, suddenly - I don't see it happening but I can see his shoulders droop slightly, and those two always go hand-in-hand - and I find myself thinking that I've missed something.

“… _right_.” Nagisa says, surprisingly nonchalant. “How’d you meet Mako-chan?”

“I was painting, he passed by, and he was saying weird things.” Haruka replies. Makoto- _senpai_ turns around and looks at Haruka as if he's just done something miraculous, which is...another data point for further investigation.

“Really?? Mako-chan was ‘ _saying weird things_ ’?” Nagisa says, somehow managing to mimic Haruka's words, as well as Haruka's exact voice tone and cadence of speaking. I know it's an occupational skill that comes with his being a voice actor for years now, but hearing him actually use said skill in person makes me blink and feel just the tiniest bit confused with myself, for some reason. “Mako-chan, could it be that staying in here for too long… has turned you into a _weirdo_?”

“Hey, don’t you start, Nagisa – this is _your_ hometown too, lest you forget.” Makoto- _senpai_ chides, which is weird because as far as I know, Nagisa spent his early childhood years in some place that isn't Iwatobi - which is something that I did not find out because I spend too much time committing Nagisa's resumes to memory when he asks me to check them, no, it's not because of that. “And I am _not_ a weirdo.”

“But the Mako-chan we know doesn’t talk to himself, yanno.” Nagisa says, which is true. “Neither does he grin like that for nothing." Also true. "So that means I’m right, and you really should’ve gone with us to Tokyo.” he concludes, grinning wickedly even as his sweat-slick hands have the chain links of his swing seat in a vice grip.

Right now I would want nothing more but to move my hands from their places on the chain links down a bit - just a measly five centimeters - to enclose Nagisa's white-knuckled hands in my own, to comfort him, just as he did when I was pulling all-nighters and triple-checking my thesis defenses and agonizing over office dress codes. Only that might be pushing my luck, after already having squeezed his hand as we were walking earlier. Because Nagisa was the one who always craved for physical contact, not me - any change in that status would be out of the norm and thus would tick Nagisa off to the strange feelings I seem to be having more of lately.

So I clear my throat instead, and settle for telling Nagisa, in a voice he would probably call ' _wicked_ ' despite it being nothing of the sort, “Hadn’t it ever crossed your mind, Nagisa-kun, that maybe Makoto-senpai would have his own reasons for not wanting to leave Iwatobi?”

“Ehh? But what could it be?” Nagisa says, and he actually honest-to-goodness bats his eyelashes at me, it's a good thing that Haruka's so intensely focused on swinging Makoto- _senpai_ back and forth on the swing set because it means he doesn't see the embarrassing blush overwhelming my face. Since my emotions have always been so plain to see on my face, how did I ever think that Nagisa wouldn't catch on? But it seems that, through some glitch or miracle in the universe (no relation to certain green-eyed elementary teachers), he doesn't notice it, because there is no change in his expression as he continues on saying, “I mean, _you’re_ in Tokyo, _I’m_ in Tokyo, the twins are _busy_ at school…pray tell, Rei-chan, what other reason _could_ there be?”

I sigh, fully realizing that Nagisa is being intentionally dense and yet playing into his hands anyway. He's meaning to show Makoto- _senpai_ that he is well aware that what he and Haruka share is something other than friendship - somewhere along the way, his behavior is meant to serve as revenge for Makoto- _senpai_ not telling us about the change in his relationship status any sooner. I understand what he means to do, only not the intentions he has in mind, so I help him along and look at the nonchalant Haruka, then at the red-cheeked Makoto- _senpai_. Then I look at Nagisa, pointedly ignoring the bubbling feeling in my gut that tends to arise whenever my eyes lock with his own, and raise an eyebrow.

Nagisa returns my look for a beat longer than his usual, and when he turns away I can see uncharacteristic traces of red slightly dusting his cheeks - or was that just a trick of my imagination, am I just projecting myself onto him because I seem to be blushing too much for a grown man in the span of these few hours ( _because of Nagisa_ ) and believe that turnabout is fair play? Nevertheless, I don't get to confirm as to whether or not this is true, because Nagisa's back is turned to me as he looks at Makoto- _senpai_ and says "Ah, okay, I get it!"

Makoto- _senpai_ 's grinning, but I can see sweat beading on his brow.

* * *

 

Nagisa, for some odd reason, drags Haruka and not  _me_  off to buy drinks, which leaves me alone with Makoto- _senpai_.

There’s a soft smile on Makoto- _senpai_ ’s face as he watches them go, and his legs swing lazily, swinging his seat back and forth.

I’m not smiling, though – while Nagisa had, for the meantime, done his hardest to dispel any doubts of the sincerity of his cheerfulness, there had still been a hint of hesitation tainting his movements as he took Haruka’s wrist and went off. I know that I’m not his handler, or his carer, or even his boyfriend, but – but I can’t help it. It’s  _Nagisa_. I’m worrying.

“Has Tokyo been good to the both of you?” Makoto- _senpai_  asks, and it is a testament to how worried I had been that it takes me a good long while to realize that he’s speaking to me.

“…yes, yes, we’re all good, thank you.” I say, without even thinking about it, and bite my lip. Then I turn to Makoto- _senpai_  and ask, “Haruka-san. How long have you known him?”

“Haru? Oh, around five months or so, tops.” Makoto- _senpai_  replies, a hand on the nape of his neck as he always did when he was embarrassed. “Why’d you ask?”

“Because you never really did want to tell Nagisa-kun about him, didn’t you.” I hear myself say, and as Makoto- _senpai_ ’s eyes widen at the tone of voice I used I find myself being surprised at the choice as well – did I really mean to use such a  _disappointed_ tone, on  _Makoto-senpai_? Apparently, though, according to the rising emotion thrumming in my veins, I really did, and I still do.

“Do you know how much Nagisa-kun worried about you?” I ask, kicking up the dirt under my heels. Makoto- _senpai_ ’s mouth is open, as if he was going to say something, but I continue on – I have to speak because the thrumming feeling in my veins grows stronger, and besides that was a rhetorical question anyway. Makoto- _senpai_  hasn’t been around, so  _obviously_  he doesn’t know. “The last time we’ve all met, in person, was when we graduated from university. You were there at the ceremony. That’s the last time we saw you – it’s been  _years_  since then.”

“I’m sorry,” Makoto- _senpai_  murmurs, hunching into himself. On a usual day seeing such a display on him would’ve had me stop myself and prostrate to the nearest deity to ask for forgiveness for saddening such a precious six-foot-tall angel to, only…it’s not a usual day, because my eyes crinkle up in annoyance and my mouth turns down into a frown.

“That doesn’t fix anything,” I say. “That doesn’t excuse how you had us both in the dark about you for the last years, how when we’d ask you how you’ve been you’d only say vague stuff like ‘ _I’m fine_ ’ and ‘ _don’t worry about me_ ’ and what seems to be your personal favourite, ‘ _I’ve been very busy_ ’. I wager – if Nagisa-kun hadn’t forced his way here, you wouldn’t have contacted him at all, would you?”

Makoto- _senpai_  doesn’t reply to that, only looks away.

“Oh, God.” I find myself mutter, wetness seems to have clouded my vision, just as – from the looks of it – it has clouded Makoto- _senpai_ ’s own. “You were going to shut us out for as long as you could, weren’t you.”

“Rei,” Makoto- _senpai_  startles, and turns to me, his hands raised in an attempt to calm, to placate. “Rei, believe me, it isn’t like that at all –”

“Then what _is_ it?” I snap, glaring at him. “What is it then, what led you to reject the job offer in Tokyo, reject Nagisa-kun’s proposal, and subsequently alienate us both?”

“You know Nagisa, right, Rei, I know you do.” Makoto- _senpai_  says, which is a  _ridiculous_  question, even as a rhetorical one, because the fact that I know Nagisa better than I do anyone else is a fact that would have been long approved as law, if it had been of any use to the scientific community. “He’s been there all this time, he’s seen how wrecked I was when…you know, when Haru left. And I guess even  _you_  can see how much this Haru looks like, well, my Haru.”

I decide to let him carry on and not point out that as far as I know,  _both_  of the Harus he’s referring to can quantifiably be referred to as  _his_  Haru, so that’s what Makoto- _senpai_  does. “I know Nagisa’s been protective over me ever since. I know that he worries about me, constantly, that even when we were in high school he nagged me to make friends and not think too much about swimming and  _him_  all the time. I know that, Rei, I really do, and I appreciate it more than you could ever know.”

“If you _really_ meant that –” I start, and clear my throat; I take my handkerchief to dab carefully at the corners of my eyes. It wouldn’t do for me to dab at them recklessly, because reddened eyes are not beautiful. “A phone call from time to time, that would’ve sufficed, you know?”

“I know. And I’m sorry. I’ve been a wretched friend, having you guys worry about me.” Makoto- _senpai_  says, and as his breath hitches on a sob I can feel something breaking inside me. Had I really made him that sad? Had I really gone too far?

I’m about to say something along the lines of  _you know very well how it feels when people leave you behind, so please, don’t leave **us**  behind as well_ – only even the angry feeling in my blood thinks that’s way too much of a low blow, so instead I ask “You and Haruka-san. Are you serious with this?”

Makoto- _senpai_  sniffs, nods once, a wan smile on his face as he considers my question. “We haven’t called it anything yet, but – he told me what he felt a while ago, and I feel the exact same way. I’d like to think we’ll be serious.”

“You could’ve told me and Nagisa-kun,” I say. “No matter how much he resembles the Haruka from your past, I doubt that Nagisa-kun would ever get in the way of you both, not when he sees how happy he makes you feel.”

“You’re right, Rei. I really am sorry.” Makoto- _senpai_  says, green eyes regretful as he looks at me. “You’ve been nothing but good friends to me, and it was wrong for me to shut you out. And I know I shouldn’t have the right to ask, but: friends?”

I scoff. “Well, we’re here now, aren’t we?” I say, making a wide, swooping hand gesture that, Nagisa says, reminds him of a butterfly stroke, which is weird because I’ve never swum before, ever. “All you have to do now, Makoto- _senpai_ , is to not shut us out this time.”

“Will do,” Makoto- _senpai_  says, and flashes me another one of those soft smiles of his. Despite myself, this gesture of his makes my cheeks burn. I am suddenly reminded of something I heard from one of the TV shows Nagisa ropes me into watching –  _abandonment requires expectation_. What exactly had I, personally, been expecting from Makoto- _senpai_?

I don’t get the time to think about that as much as I should have, because that’s the time when Haruka returns, a plastic bag in his hands.

“Haru, where’s Nagisa?”

“He said he’s tired and wants to go home and rest now,” Haruka says, handing Makoto- _senpai_  warm canned coffee. As he hands me a plastic bottle of barley tea – my favourite, Nagisa remembers my favourite brand and this makes the butterflies in my stomach flutter around again – Haruka looks at me, gravely, and says “He wanted to ask you if you’re ready to go.”

Now, I know that wasn’t out of the ordinary, but – but it is. It really, really is. Because Nagisa never asks people if they’re ‘ _ready to go_ ’ – if he wants to go places with someone, he  _will_ take them along, and if they don’t want to go it’s their problem. In light of that it’s a relief that the only people he seems to ever want to have with him are me and Makoto- _senpai_ , because if not I’d think we’d have a lot of angry people at our hands.

So for him to have to tell Haruka to tell me, ‘ _are you ready to go?_ ’ is suspect. It means something, I know it does, only despite my best efforts Nagisa still is a difficult person to read and I can’t ascertain exactly  _what_  it means. So I excuse myself, politely, and scour the vicinity for a blond head of hair and an alarmingly pastel shirt.

When I see both of these things, they happen to be joined by a bout of ungraceful sobbing.

I approach him, carefully, as if I thought he’d dissipate into bubbles if I didn’t. “Nagisa-kun?”

Nagisa stops sobbing, then, and from what I can see his eyes are red and so is his nose and cheeks – this has been going on for a while then – and his eyes widen as he sees me. Ascertaining my presence only serves to aggravate his sobbing, though, because he clings on to me and bawls, again.

He’s getting tears and snot and who-knows-what-else on my shirt, but I wrap an arm around his waist and card a hand through his blond wavy hair. We’re almost the same height; our chins rest on the other’s shoulder.

“What happened, Nagisa-kun?”

“He – he  _told_  me, Rei,” Nagisa says in-between sobs, and if his sobbing hadn’t been suspect enough for me his dropping the usual suffix would’ve had been more than enough to convince me. “He told me, he told me that he  _meant_ it –”

“Shh, Nagisa-kun, deep breaths.” I murmur, leaning into him as his bawls grew louder, telling myself that now is _not_ the time to get so fixated on certain suffixes and the temporary eschewing of. “Let’s get you calmed down and let’s go back to our lodgings, then I’ll make you a cup of that hot chocolate you like so much,  _then_  you tell me what happened, okay?”

Nagisa sniffs, because no matter how sad he could get I know full well he’ll  _always_  have time for hot chocolate. I personally can’t see the appeal – too sweet, not enough caffeine – but hey, whatever makes him happy.

“Extra marshmallows?”

“Extra marshmallows,” I confirm, and move to untangle myself from him, if only to facilitate walking. Nagisa only groans, once, and tightens the grip of his arms, which are stubbornly wrapped around my waist.

“No, don’t.” Nagisa says, and his cheeks are flaming red but I’ve no idea if it’s from the cold or the sobbing. “Let me. Just this once. Please?”

I sigh, ruffle his hair, and concede to his wishes, just like I always have been, ever since I realized that in my life, he was always going to be the most material thing.

“Fine.” I say, as Nagisa falls into step beside me, his arms still wrapped around me. “Let’s get you home.” 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Retrouvaille POV shift pt.3 - Rei and Nagisa come to terms with the shift in their relationship (sort of), Rei goes over to teach Haruka a lesson (sort of), and Haruka just might be the least bit jealous. (Maybe.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Haruka's POV of this chapter, please take a look at [_Retrouvaille_ chapter four](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1015471/chapters/2073134)!
> 
> Also: warnings for discussion about attempted suicide.

‘Home’ in this instance is of course just temporary lodging – we had rented a room for our impromptu trip to Iwatobi, just a simple, little place: it’s half the size of the apartment I used to stay in during high school, and as long as I don’t retreat to the bathroom, it’s pretty hard for me to have a brief respite from Nagisa’s watery gaze. I can’t seem to decide whether or not this last point is a bad thing.

If the force with which I swing the cupboard doors open and closed is far too much to ever be considered normal, Nagisa doesn’t say anything about it. “Remind me to thank your sisters before we get home.”

“No, I won’t.” Nagisa says, his lower lip jutting out as he pouts. Even with his red nose and watery eyes, he still manages to pull off that stubborn haughtiness of his very well. “They’re not exactly under my list of things to be thankful for.”

“Oh?” I muse, taking out the tin of hot cocoa said elder sisters had not-so-discreetly shoved into my hands, when Nagisa’s back had turned. As I carefully measure out spoons of hot cocoa powder, I ask him, “What  _would_  this list enumerate, then?”

“The obvious,” Nagisa sniffs. “Penguins, strawberry ice cream, good socks…” He huddles into himself as I pour hot water down his mug and stir, hugging his knees tighter. The next word Nagisa breathes out, his voice is almost a whisper, and it’s a wonder I’m leaning against the counter so I don’t drop anything. “ _You_.”

“W-well then,” I say, and is that a stutter, Rei Ryugazaki,  _did I honestly just stutter_? My hands are shaking. If I were to hand the mug over with these shaking hands, it isn’t beautiful at all. I clear my throat and upend a small packet of marshmallows in the steaming hot cocoa. “Okay then! Hot chocolate, with nigh-illegal amounts of sugar, drink it.”

“Thanks, Rei,” Nagisa says, a small smile on his face, and the way he presses his lips to the rim of the cup to check the temperature before sipping is adorable. The way he says my name – easily intimate, with no cutesy honorifics to soften the blow – is also adorable. My cheeks would be red if I wasn’t so worried about him right now.

“I’ve your cookies and snacks on the bedside table, if you want them.” I say, sitting myself down at the foot of the bed. Due to the impulsivity of our trip we didn’t even get to properly reserve a room – the one we’re in has one bed, and though Nagisa’s probably going to insist we share it as soon as he’s over his mood, I’m pretty sure I’d be fine with sleeping on the floor for a few nights.

Even if, as I am pretty much aware, my doing so would not be beautiful at all.

“I’m sorry for this, really.” Nagisa murmurs, sipping slowly. “Just gimme a few moments to get myself together.”

Nagisa breathes in, breathes out, and shudders. I’ve never seen him this scared before – he’s still sniffling, hugging himself – and it makes some long-forgotten part of me break in sympathy. So I tell my restraint to kindly take a bloody day off, and scoot closer. He leans into me, and halfway along his shuddering sob morphs into a sigh as he snuggles closer into me.

I find myself blushing, again. 'Snuggling' is...not something I've ever thought I'd be partaking in, before. But right now it's cold outside and if Nagisa feels warmer right now, with the cocoa in his hands, with my presence beside him, it's one I'll gladly dedicate myself to.

“Okay, okay. I'm fine.” Nagisa says, more to himself than anything else. “ _Okay_.”

“So - see, said I was I gonna get us drinks, with Haru-chan, right? But that wasn't all there was to it, not really.” Nagisa starts, as he leans in closer. “I've had my suspicions ever since Izumi- _neechan_  told me about all that stuff - about how Mako's apparently 'got a new boytoy', or something like that. Yeah, I know, you'd have to forgive my sisters' words, Rei, unlike you, they're not exactly the most eloquent of people. Or the most discreet.”

I decide not to defend his sisters, or point out that Nagisa  _himself_  isn't that discreet a person either, but I'd only break his momentum so I decide it best for me to keep mum. Nagisa continues on. “She didn't ever meet Haru - he'd left long before they started asking about him, they were snooping 'round my stuff again, asking embarrassing questions, seriously though, the convos they had with me after they found out about  _you_  were...life-affirming, to say the least. Anyway.” He clears his throat. “The point is, from the moment she gave me a description, I'd seriously considered that  _this might be Haru_.”

“And, as it turns out, I'm right!” Nagisa says, only despite the lilting intonation there isn't any happiness in his smile at all, and despite having him in my arms - it  _chills_  me, to have to hear him this way. “Better be careful what I wished for, hmm?”

“What are you talking about?” I say, because Nagisa's suddenly fallen silent and if one of the scenarios my mind's going on with turns out to be the  _right_  one...it might be best for him to get all those thoughts of his out in the open.

“As it turns out, I'm right. It  _is_  the Haru I'm looking for. We're looking for. The one who left Iwatobi. The one who made Mako miserable. The one who  _drowned_.” Nagisa says, looking up at me with a watery smile. “And you know what, Rei? He meant it. Haru  _meant_   _it_.”

This is, by far, the longest Nagisa has ever gone without his cutesy nicknames - beating the one time he got himself drunk from a work gathering, by a landslide. It rattles me more than it should, because this is  _Nagisa_  and how is it that even up to now I still can't make much sense of him? That even up to now, he can do things, feel things, say things like this that surprise me? “You keep saying that.”

“I keep saying a lot of things.”

“No - I mean. That's what you told me earlier -  _he meant it_. If you don't mind me asking, Nagisa, what do you mean?”

“It's simple, really, but it's something I've never thought he'd do.” Nagisa sniffs. “Then again I'd never thought he'd leave, either. Goes to show how _wonderful_ I am at making guesses.”

“Nagisa, I’d doubt you’d have anticipated his parents’ sudden job shift, it’s not your fault.”

“I know! But who shall I blame, then?” Nagisa asks, his grin just this side of hysterical. “Who shall I blame for the fact that Haru just went off and – and _drowned himself_?”

He look at me. I look at him. His eyes are so wide and so close that I can see myself in them.

“Wait – so do you mean –”

“I mean that Haru _wanted to off himself_ , Rei.” Nagisa clarifies, eyes fiercely sad. “I mean that he felt lost without Mako, as Mako always had been, and that it drove him to want to die. And that’s how he lost his memory.”

I look at Nagisa, quizzically, and the look of utter confusion on my face must be what broke through and got a wan chuckle out of him. “He told me himself; anterograde amnesia. A long word to say, but – here, he typed it out for me.” Nagisa flashes me his phone, a smart phone, still stubbornly fuchsia pink, its screen smudged by too much tears. “Did I say it right?”

From his mouth the ‘ _grade’_ in anterograde sort of sounds more like ‘ _grate’_ more than anything, but…no, now is not the time for that. “You said it just fine,” I say, as I ruffle his hair.

 _Anterograde_ , though. _Antero_ , from _anterior_ , something placed before, in front, something happening earlier. _Grade,_ combining form, indicating a kind or manner of movement or progression…

“You mean to say,” I start, carefully, hesitantly, “That your friend remembers his past, but he has lost the capacity to remember everything that happens after?”

“Yes, exactly.” Nagisa says. “It’s the reason why he can’t think of telling Mako that all his unspoken suspicions are right and it really _is_ him – no matter how far they’ll go and how strongly they’ll feel, Haru will always wake up remembering that the last time he saw Mako was years ago, and he was crying. And that the last memory he’ll ever have is that he wanted out because he felt so lost without Mako. Rei, he wants to just _break it off_ , I don’t know what to do!”

“Shh, calm down, don’t panic, it’s all right.” I say, my voice fonder than it normally is around Nagisa, which is – not much of a change, actually. “Finish your drink, it’s getting cold.”

“I _intend_ to,” Nagisa mumbles, before downing the whole thing in one shot – half the mug, and more of those melting marshmallows.

I pluck the mug from his grip, reaching behind me to set it carefully down on the bedside table. Nagisa leans into me even more, as if he was fully intending to merge ourselves into a single person, which should be weird and make my cheeks burn insanely but right now I can’t stop feeling like this is the rightest – is that even a _word_?? – I’ve ever felt, in years. It’s a shame that I have to figure this out just as Nagisa’s feeling so wretched.

“Hey, Rei-chan?” Nagisa murmurs into my shirt. The return to the nicknames is at once both a relief and a disappointment, which confuses me.

“What is it, Nagisa-kun?”

Nagisa holds on to me tighter. “I like this.” he says, softly. “What we have. Whatever this is, I like it.”

“And – and.” I still, at a lack of words. What exactly _is_ this, really? Is there even a word that can describe this – how much Nagisa means to me, how much it seems I must mean for him? “I – _I_. I like it, too.”

After what seems to be eons of sobbing, Nagisa’s smile – shy, small, but genuine, _earnest_ – is a sight for sore eyes. “I’m glad.” He sighs. “I wish Mako-chan could have this, too.”

I could think too much – what is he referring to, roommates, best friends, partners, _boyfriends_? Is that what we are? What we have been, all this time? Only, what I _do_ choose to catch on, is what his words neither say nor imply but still manage to spell out so clearly: me and Nagisa, we aren’t truly _alone_ , haven’t been for the past decade – has it truly been ten years since we first met? – but Makoto- _senpai_ had been, and now’s his chance to not feel so alone anymore, and Haruka’s being a bit complicated and difficult. There has to be something we could do.

“There should be,” Nagisa mutters, his cheeks pink, and it is only now that I realize that I had just said that whole thing _out loud_. He doesn’t seem to mind much, though. “I wish I can think of something.”

“We’ll figure something out, I promise.” I find myself saying. Nagisa smiles.

Somewhere along the way we fall asleep in each other’s arms, and despite the shifty eyes and the flaming cheeks it doesn’t feel as awkward as it should be.

* * *

 

The morning finds me knocking on an unfamiliar door.

It’s not _that_ unfamiliar, not exactly – one of Nagisa’s sisters knows Haruka’s landlord. So, yes, we’ve gone here before we saw him with Makoto- _senpai_. Nagisa had wanted to talk to him before he had to talk to Makoto- _senpai_ , so we went. Speaking of which – I should probably apologize to him, fast.

After a few minutes of knocking, Haruka opens the door. There is nothing in his bright blue eyes but dull disinterest and confusion, and I know without a doubt that he really has forgotten seeing me before. So _this_ is anterograde amnesia.

As I stand there, he looks at me – from the shoes on my feet to the hairs on my head. _Scanning_ , I think, _no,_ _strategizing_. He’s preparing for a sudden assault on my part, which – while admirable of him, is definitely not a situation I’d like to be put under.

“Mister Haruka Nanase?” I say, crossing my arms. Whether subconsciously or not, the fact remains that I have worn a shirt that manages to shield me from the cold weather _and_ showcase the definition in my arms as well – a Christmas gift from Rin, and something I only intend to wear when I want to look especially persuasive.

It’s working, though, because I hear a little hitch in Haruka’s breath. He still hasn’t let go of the doorknob. “That's what's written on the door, yes.”

I hum, and reach up to adjust my glasses. You’d think that as one replaces frames before they get too old to use they’d fit better – you’d be very wrong. “Very well. We shall _have_ a word with you, Mister _Nanase_ -” _Oof._

Someone barrels into me, and on a normal day I’d have swung around and drove my elbow deep down onto their nape, but – somehow, I _know_ that particular brand of barreling. I look down, and – sure enough, despite my saying that he could just stay in and rest for a while – it’s Nagisa.

“- Don't scare him, Rei-chan, you're doing it _all wrong_.” Nagisa half-says, half-breathes, due to exhaustion from, apparently, proving by his panting breaths, running so fast. When you add in the fact that he’s wrapped his arms around my neck and is standing so very _close_ , though – just.

“I was not scaring him,” I snap, trying to untangle myself from his grip because I really, really, _really_ have no idea what I should do with myself. I clear my throat. “I was merely being... _persuasive_.”

“Well, then you should know that people ' _get persuaded_ ' by you, because they're _scared_ , you dummy.” Nagisa says. That silly smirk shouldn’t really look that attractive, it really shouldn’t, but look where we are now.

Thankfully for my briskly-receding sanity, though, he turns away from me to look at Haruka, who is looking at us both with thinly-veiled irritation. “It's been a while, Haru-chan.”

It’s a blink-and-you-miss-it moment, and definitely not one that carries over into his vocal tone, but realization strikes Haruka; his eyes widen, just a little bit. “ _Nagisa_?”

“Oh, so you _do_ remember me!” Nagisa pipes up as he, mercifully, steps away from me. His voice is happy, and I can hear the barely-hidden hints of relief. “Can we come inside, Haru-chan? I'll make sure Rei-chan doesn't scare you anymore, I promise.”

“...do as you wish.” Haruka says, turning his back on us. We follow him into the foyer; Nagisa merely kicks his loafers off and bounds off into the apartment with boundless energy, while I reach down to untie my laces. Why do I like wearing these shoes all the time? Oh, right, they look more professional than the loafers I used to wear, when I was younger.

When I stand up, I see the apartment – efficiently clean, save for a corner with a smattering of notepads and papers – and in the middle of all this is Haruka, tying an apron around his waist. “Do you want mackerel?”

My response is immediate, as expected. Saying the word ‘mackerel’ is pretty much enough to remind me of _that incident_. Nagisa had fed me enough mackerel to last me a thousand lifetimes on that one _single day_. “ _No, thank you_.”

“…still a bad memory, huh.” Nagisa murmurs, innocently. _Of course it was_.

“More for me, then.” Haruka says, disappearing into the kitchen.

“I introduced myself to you yesterday, but in this case I am aware that I should do so again.” I say, aware that his apartment walls are as thin as ours are, and that if we can hear each other in our rooms there’s a good chance Haruka can hear me from the kitchen. “Rei Ryugazaki. Makoto- _senpai_ 's a _good friend._ ”

“What's that supposed to mean?” Haruka replies, and I can sense a hint of…something _more_ than annoyance in his tone.

Nagisa clicks his tongue twice, and mouths the word _jelly_ , for some reason, which confuses me. What do fruit preserves, or gelatin, have in relation to our situation? “It means that Rei-chan has a _massive_ soft spot for Mako-chan, so much so that Rei-chan wants to be the one giving you the obligatory ' _if you hurt him I will cut you_ ' speech. He's a big stickler for standard procedure!” _Too much of a stickler_ , Nagisa lip-synched, and I click my tongue at his side-comment. Nagisa only grins, and he continues on. “But I guess we can agree that there's nothing ' _standard_ ' about you and Mako-chan.”

“I don't know what you mean.”

“That's the _point_ , Haru-chan!” Nagisa exclaims, pressing his hands together, as Haruka returns with a tray of water glasses. “That's why I'm here to help you.”

Haruka tilts his head, confused. I sigh. This is shaping up to be a long morning, I can feel it.

* * *

 

“And when we got back from the vending machines, Mako-chan was looking at me like this, as if he was thinking: ' _where did you take my Haruka and what did you do to him_ ', he was so scary. He was in Orca mode all over again; I hadn't seen that in _years_.”

Nagisa’s been telling the story of what happened yesterday which such pomp and circumstance, and miraculously, it just sounds like he’s doing exactly that – telling a story, nothing less, nothing more. If I hadn’t been there last night to smooth his hair as he cried, I wouldn’t have known that last night’s encounter had affected Nagisa that much, if I were to look at him now.

He’s earnest and honest about a lot of things, but when it comes to stuff like this – Nagisa’s a fantastic actor.

“I don't think Makoto sounds like that, Nagisa.” Haruka says, raising an eyebrow.

“No, Haru-chan, he _so_ totally sounds that cool and mature - hey, Rei-chan, back me up here.”

I sigh. “Makoto- _senpai_ _does_ sound cool and mature; only...Nagisa-kun, are we even working off of the _same definitions_ of those words??”

“Boo. You're both no fun.” Nagisa replies, sticking out his tongue, before leaning back onto his elbows. “That's all I know, though. Whatever happened next between you and Mako-chan?”

“I already told you.” Haruka says, voice harsh and understandably indignant. “ _I don't know._ ”

“Well, whatever you did, Nanase-san, you most probably did it _wrong_ .” I snap, catch my sudden burst of emotion, and maintain my tone consistent as I further my bluff. “Because when we last saw him, Makoto- _senpai_ wasn't happy. When Nagisa-kun told me what you were going to do, I thought he'd be, and right now he _isn't_ , and so you have to _fix_ _it_.”

It’s not a bluff, not by a long shot, but it’s not exactly _true_ either – it just so happens that Nagisa had called Makoto- _senpai_ before we fell into hazy sleep, and over the speakerphone he had been…less chipper, than his apparent usual. It’s unlike what Nagisa had expected, since Haruka had told him that he would tell Makoto- _senpai_ the whole truth.

Now, however: I understand Haruka’s annoyance at not being able to remember anything, I really do, but right now my temper’s rising and all I can think of is _how **dare** you use that tone on Nagisa, **my** Nagisa, how do you think you even have the **right**_.

(Thinking about it in hindsight, though: how long have I actually been thinking of Nagisa as someone under my protection, as _mine?_ )

“Easy, Rei-chan, easy.” Nagisa murmurs, his voice strangely soothing as he reaches over and presses a hand to my chest, which turns out to be extremely distracting for me. _Stop that, please. No, don’t go._ Paradoxes, ugh. “It’s not Haru-chan’s fault, you understand that, right?”

“I’m not talking about the amnesia; of course I won’t be so _daft_ as to berate him for something he obviously cannot control.” I say, frowning as Nagisa’s hand moves away. It’s a good thing he does so – because my nerves are still pulled taut and my temper still at a critical point, and if I ever somehow get to hurt him I’d have no idea what to do. “But if we were to put focus on the things he does have control over – if Nanase-san remembers everything before the incident, and he remembers regretting not keeping in touch with Makoto- _senpai_ , then why didn’t he just, I don’t know, _keep in touch with Makoto-senpai?”_

“But Rei-chan, Haru-chan was _abroad_ , and you know it’s not that easy –”

“It _is_ that easy!” I exclaim, slapping my hand against the table. Nagisa flinches – which I must apologize for, later – and Haruka looks at me as if I’ve personally offended him, which is annoying. I am suddenly reminded of Rin and monthly Skype chats and how _he used to be in love with Makoto-senpai_. “What use would we have for _technology_ , pray tell, if it wasn’t to be used in _these_ very kinds of situations –”

“– but _Rei-chan_ ,”

I cut Nagisa off for the moment, I really shall make up for that later, and instead go about fixing Haruka with a glare that once made a ‘terror’ professor run away _screaming_. “Makoto- _senpai_ can smile and laugh and deny all he wants, but there’s no hiding how sad he was – how sad he _still_ is – every time he talked about you, Nanase-san. He felt _horrible_ without you.”

Haruka’s better than my professor had been, though, because he doesn’t even flinch this time, only strokes his chin in thought. “Ryugazaki,” He starts, carefully, as if he isn’t sure he’s got my name right. “Right now, you’re telling me that Makoto isn’t happy, and it’s because of me. Am I correct?”

“ _Yes_.” I almost _growl_.

Nagisa sighs, and turns to his friend. “Now, Haru-chan –”

It turns out we _both_ have done things we have to make up to Nagisa for later, then, because Haruka cuts him off, too. “Well, the last memory I will always have of Makoto was that he wasn’t happy, and it was all _because of me._ You can see a pattern, right – so why would I even _dare_ to keep in touch, when all I can do is _make Makoto unhappy_?”

That…actually makes sense, and I suddenly feel guilty for not thinking that, out of all the situations I had thought of, the one I hadn’t thought of would be the right one.

Haruka had done all those things, kept out of touch and far away and _drowned himself_ , because he was _scared_.

I look at Nagisa, because my throat suddenly closed up and after throwing such an immense fit I – I don’t have an idea what I should say next, because comforting isn’t my division (which makes last night’s success a miracle), but anger, disdain, _disappointment_ is, so I have no idea what to do now, so I wish he’d take my unspoken apologies and help me right now.

Nagisa’s really a better friend than I deserve, because he spares me the burden of having to speak first. “Haru-chan…do you _really_ think that?”

“ _Of course_ I do,” Haruka says, holding his jaw tight and his arms stiffly at his sides.

“Well, let’s just say that you really _did_ make Mako-chan as miserable as Rei-chan just said…” I look away, embarrassed at having done that to another person, made them _that_ sad, _again_ , for the second time in less than twenty-four hours. Nagisa notices this, and takes my hand under the table, squeezes it. “But…I guess it’s just too bad you can’t remember how Mako-chan looked like, yesterday.”

“He was so _happy._ ”Nagisa sighs, and Haruka’s posture mellows down a little bit. _“_ I hadn’t seen him smile that nicely since…well, since a _very_ long time ago! And he didn’t even know that _you_ were the Haru-chan he was waiting for all this damned time. I swear on Rei-chan’s butterfly-print pajamas, if that isn’t _true love_ , then I dunno what the hell it should be.”

Swear on my butterfly-print pajamas, huh. When he’s being eloquent, Nagisa gets more than a little…shall we say, _creative_ with his figures of speech.

“See, Mako-chan shouldn’t be hurting so much, yanno, if he didn’t _care_ so much in the first place.” Nagisa points out, reaching out to hold Haruka’s hand with his free hand. That means the three of us are all holding hands right now, and for some reason it makes me feel a little better. “And a certain someone put it best. When someone cares too much…it’s called _love_ , Haru-chan.”

Haruka looks at Nagisa as if my roommate somehow held the keys to universe. I think it wise to not ruin the moment by saying that the ' _certain someone_ ' Nagisa had been referring to was in fact _Winnie-the-Pooh_.

Nagisa goes over and lets go of my hand – embraces Haruka, really embraces him, like anyone would when they were faced with the existence of their long-lost relative. Their prodigal brother. The small smile that forms on Haruka’s face as he nestles into Nagisa’s embrace is beyond any of my words.

“Hey, Rei-chan,” Nagisa says, his voice muffled by Haruka’s shoulder, “We could be having a _proper_ group hug if you joined in.”

I flush red, feeling the need to stand up and walk away all of a sudden. “ _Tempting_ , but I’ll pass.” I say, building up my bluff once more. “I have places to go to; it would behoove you to remember that, Nagisa-kun.”

“Oh, the 'business meeting'!” Nagisa exclaims. I look at him, hoping he remembers what we talked about – _subtlety._ “Oops, right. _Secret_  'business meeting'…”

I sigh. He _does_ remember subtlety, but not as much as he said he would, because Haruka's now looking at us _very_ strangely, so I make up another bluff on the spot. “Irrelevant. I don’t think Nanase-san’s related to our rival corporation, anyway…you really don’t have to come with, Nagisa-kun, I’ll just drop by later.”

“I don’t have to, but I _want_ to, Rei-chan.” Nagisa replies, and for once his words don’t seem to be addressed to me – he’s side-glancng at Haruka as they pull away from each other, and the surprise in Haruka’s eyes indicates that – but wasn’t he supposed to forget what happened yesterday? “And I trust that Haru-chan could fix this. Right, Haru-chan?”

Haruka nods, temporarily shocked out of words, and Nagisa grins. “Good! You and Mako-chan better be back to being the super-sweet love birds you were when we last saw you, okay?” He offers a hand to Haruka, who accepts, and they stand up; Nagisa’s grown to be taller than Haruka, something I suspect the former freestyle swimmer never expected to happen. “I’ll see you soon, Haru-chan!”

I sit down at the foyer to lace up my shoes. Nagisa’s followed me there, slipping on his loafers and winking at both of us as he busts out the front door, and from the footsteps I can hear Haruka follow close behind.

Time for _that_ , then. It’s probably overkill by now, I know, but – but sometimes, one can never be too sure.

“Oh, and Nanase-san?”

“What is it?”

“The next time I see Makoto-senpai, he better be smiling.” I say, glaring at him as I push up my glasses. “Or _I will never forgive you_. “


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei and Nagisa fix their friends' relationships, while further strengthening their own along the way. And, yes, a confession happens. _Finally._
> 
> (Posted on 3/29/14, also known as my nineteenth birthday. _Happy birthday to me, I belong to the sea...)_

He turns to me one night, poking my side as rolls over to face me. It is our second night in Iwatobi, our second night sharing this all-too-little bed. It is also the second night that I have to make myself fall asleep by visualizing the balance sheets I have waiting for me at home.

Don't ask me for my reason. It is an extremely embarrassing one.

“Have you ever watched _Pororo, the Little Penguin_?”

“I'm sorry to say, I have not.” I say, closing my eyes, trying to contemplate Nagisa's silly question. And why he suddenly felt the need to ask it in the middle of the night.

“Oh,” I hear him sigh, just barely. “That's too bad.”

I turn his way, because to be honest that tone of voice isn't the one best suited for talking about children's CGI cartoons. In fact it's not the kind of vocal tone I expect Nagisa to ever use _at all_ — it's way too contemplative, too muted, too…sombre for him, if you were to ask me. And you should. I know Nagisa Hazuki like the back of my hand, and that is a fact of life I've long since forgotten to be embarrassed about.

“I-it's not because I think your taste in television shows is… _puerile_ , or something.” I say, verbally backtracking like Makoto- _senpai_ literally did, when Nagisa chased him around with a _hitodama_ during our last festival visit. We were in high school back then, and the sight of a six-footer running away from Nagisa's five-foot-six was _hilarious_. “In fact I watch very little television, so it'd be understandable that I am not familiar with that title. But if you want me to watch it that badly, then I guess I shall—”

“No, no, Rei-chan, it's fine, don't worry!” Nagisa says, smiling, and though he looks lovely as always — ahh, _love_ , the harbinger of biased opinions — his smile doesn't reach his eyes. It makes my heart clench. “It's just…I got to thinking. It's a silly thing, you see, haha, never mind, I'll just go back to sleep now—”

That's the time when I reach for his wrist, stopping him from rolling back over, away from me. “Wait,” I hear myself say, as I watch Nagisa go still beside me. As I hear him suck in a breath, I am struck with the oddest feeling that something is supposed to be extremely _obvious_ right now and I can’t figure it out and my throat seems to have forgotten how to speak.

“Rei-chan…?” Nagisa murmurs, cheeks flushed a brilliant pink as my hand stays wrapped around his wrist.

“You can tell me what it is, of course.” I say. It seems I've finally regained the ability of speech. “It's been weighing on your mind this much, so it's not just a 'silly thing', I'm certain.” And besides, Nagisa, it's _you_ , and nothing about you is silly or pointless to me. Love tends to do that, after all.

“Fine,” Nagisa concedes, looking at my hand on his wrist and not making a single move to dislodge it. He smiles, instead, and it makes both my cheeks grow warm. “Pororo is, obviously, a penguin. He's this cute little blob with goggles and a hat like Amelia Earhart's, and he lives with his other animal buddies in their little houses somewhere in the middle of too much snow.”

“See, that's one of the things I really cannot comprehend about cartoons,” I say, lost in thought as I continue kneading the back of his hand with my fingers. “They're _animals_. Most of the time they have little nubby fingerless hands. How do they live like humans, make _houses_ , even? It boggles the mind.”

“It's _magic_ , Rei-chan.” Nagisa says, muffling a chuckle with his free hand. “Anyway, back to Pororo. He knows he's a bird, and he's got wings and a beak and everything, so he knows what he wants to do. He wants to fly.”

“But aren't penguins…?”

“Flightless birds? Yes. But in this magic world it doesn't seem like anyone knows that — or if they did, they couldn't have the heart to tell him.” Nagisa laughs, but there doesn't seem to be any humor in it. “Pretty much the story of my life, then.”

“ _Nagisa-kun_ …” I say, my tone dipping into ‘ _Nagisa-kun, don’t be silly_ ’ levels once more. As the years went by I’ve been using that tone less and less – not at all because Nagisa’d “mellowed”, but because of the fact that I’ve long grown resigned to Nagisa’s antics. I only ever have need to use that tone on him on times like these, when he believes that wallowing into self-depreciation sounds like a very good idea.

…which he shouldn’t ever believe. If the universe ever thinks that I would just sit (or in this case, lie) still watching as the man I – yes, the man I _love_ – goes about thinking lowly of himself, well, then they’ve got another thing coming. I may not have mustered up the courage to tell him how I feel, explicitly – six years of mulling over it doesn’t feel like enough, it seems – but I do have the nerve to correct him when he’s wrong, which is exactly what I’m about to do.

“ _Please_ don’t tell me you were planning to think lowly of yourself. You are a very talented man, and if you ever say that you’re a talentless hack ever again, I would gladly enumerate your numerous strengths in great detail, make no mistake.” I say, still in that low, serious tone, and somewhere along the way Nagisa’s gone to look up at me and his pupils kind of look a bit _blown_. Why would they do so, I wonder? Unless… “Unless, of course, you wouldn’t believe me even if I did so?”

That is what seems to have snapped Nagisa out of whatever lull he had fallen into, for his eyes suddenly go wide and his cheeks go warm and he snatches his wrist away from my grasp. “D-don't worry about me, I'm just thinking out loud.” Nagisa says, stumbling over his words, face still flushed as he averts his eyes. My hand feels a bit empty now, which is more than a little bit silly of me, then –

Then!

Then Nagisa takes a deep breath, clicks his tongue in what should be annoyance but sounds more like embarrassment, and, in a single movement, _wraps his arms around my waist_.

 _Around my **waist**_ **.**

My throat feels like all the liquid was siphoned out of it, all of a sudden. Nagisa is really _warm_ and _soft_ and these are not thoughts I should be thinking, not when he trusts me this much, not when we're platonically ( _platonically!_ ) sharing the same bed.

I suddenly have the insane urge to wish ill will on all the high schools in town for the upcoming track meet — if only they weren't here, if only they didn't rent out all the decent double-bed hotel rooms, then I wouldn't have to be subjected to this kind of mental torture. Damn them all. I wish they all won’t clear their heights tomorrow.

“Anyway. He's got this big bear friend. A polar bear, humongous, but he's the calmest and gentlest little thing. He kinda reminds me of Mako-chan, to be honest,” Nagisa grins fondly, and I have to bite my lip to muffle my discontent at this, because what if the reason why Nagisa went all the way here was because _he still likes Makoto-senpai?_

Now, in the situation we’re are right now – wrapped in each other’s arms, sharing the same bed, even – jealousy isn't the most rational thing for me to be feeling. But I can’t help it, and, even if I hypothetically _could_ , it's not as if he can _read my mind_ , I think, somehow bitterly remembering the stories about “Mako-chan” and “Haru-chan” in their childhood.

“Poby, that sweetheart, he heard about how Pororo tried jumping off of roofs and riding on rockets and stuff, so he decides he'll try to help.” Nagisa says, idly tracing circles on my back, as if he knew I was thinking faraway things as well, as if he knew he has to separate me from my conclusions. “So he brings Pororo to this really high cliffside. And _pushes_.”

“Nagisa-kun!” I exclaim, my eyes widening with surprise, as my hands go to his shoulders so I can gape at him in obvious alarm. This doesn’t sound like the best conclusion to draw from that, but it’s very late at night and Nagisa’s face looks so very _serious_ and _quiet_ all of a sudden, so one cannot help but wonder… “Are you saying…that Makoto- _senpai_ actually _did_ push you over a cliff!?”

Nagisa’s eyes are still wide and faraway when I look at him, but when he realizes what I have just said – he dissolves, absolutely _dissolves_ , into giggles.

“There's a thing called 'metaphor', Rei-chan, don't you know about it?” Nagisa says, still giggling, and I slam my lips shut, quickly feel my cheeks burning. Metaphor, of course. What is going on with me today, I’d want to ask my erratic mind, but then again this is the Nagisa Hazuki effect, it’s a fact of life that being around him would always turn me into an incoherent lump of too much feelings. Anyway.

“Yes, all right, please _do_ remember that you are getting all metaphorical on me in the middle of the night.” I say, perfectly deadpan, and Nagisa giggles into my pajama top. Why _yes_ I am a grown twenty-five year old man with a stressful, high-paying job and a ten-year old more-than-crush on my male best friend, and yes I can and _will_ wear butterfly-print pajamas to bed if I so desire. “And that I was in the middle of a particularly… _engaging_ dream. So _excuse me_ if the analytic portion of my brain isn’t exactly in tip-top condition as of this moment.”

“Oh _really_ , Rei-chan?” Nagisa says, cocking an eyebrow at me, somehow managing to look entirely _wicked_ even if his bright eyes are still watery from all that giggling. “What was it about?” As if it weren’t enough that he’s got that absolutely _dangerous_ smirk going my way, he’s gone and batted his long lashes at me, as well. Oh no.

“Weren’t we talking about Pororo?” I hear myself piping up, in a voice that is embarrassingly two octaves higher than my usual vocal register. This is mainly because though both my heart and my body want very much to…ahh, _demonstrate_ the dream to my utmost ability, my brain is still absolutely sure that my telling Nagisa that I had been dreaming of _kissing him_ is not a very good idea.

“Oh, right. Hehe.” Nagisa says simply, letting my momentary lapse of judgment go, which is unprecedented of him _._ Usually when he catches sight of one of my numerous… _weaknesses_ , for lack of a better word…he never lets go of it. Like how Makoto- _senpai_ did not let go of Rin’s arm that one dreadful haunted house visit. “Pororo, right…”

 _Now **that** was a close one_ , I think, sighing into the darkness of the room. “So what parallel were you going for, by the way?”

“Hmm?”

“You are thinking about this too seriously to _just_ be someone who woke up in the middle of the night to discuss their favourite cartoon character.” I murmur, watching my fingers rebelling against all my notions of subtlety and restraint as they card through Nagisa’s blond waves of hair. Nagisa sighs, once, a happy, content sound, and I can’t help but smile. “So, tell me. How does Pororo’s life compare to your own?”

“Well…not much, really, I mean –” Nagisa breaks off his sentence with a loud yawn and it is just then that my hand stills, realizing the probable connect between hair-mussing and sleepiness. Nagisa only looks up at me, pouts, and pushes his head into my hands – a wordless plea for me to carry on with what I had been doing earlier – so I clear my throat and do as he wishes. Nagisa hums. “– well, Pororo’s roomie’s a cutie, but he’s an absolute slob. And you aren’t.”

“Naturally,” I scoff. “Given the choice between being _organized_ and being a ‘cutie’, as you call it, I’d take the obvious choice every time.”

“But you are already _are_ a cutie?” Nagisa says, matter-of-factly, and I am a grown man for heaven’s sake not a lovesick teenage girl, I am not supposed to be flushing beet red over silly careless things like this, _damn it all_.

“Anyway.” I say, trying very much to sound stoic and above-the-situation but the effect of my nonplussed vocal tone is offset by the fact that I have just leaned in closer to press my lips to the soft blond waves of Nagisa’s head. I am _so_ obvious and I might regret this in the morning. “Your point, Nagisa-kun?”

“The point is that maybe, somewhere somehow, penguins always wanted to fly. But since they can’t, they swim. It’s like flying in the water. Maybe that’s what I’d been doing back then.” Nagisa half-mumbles, as he clutches on to me tighter.

It’s as if he really doesn’t want to look up into my eyes, and it should worry me but somehow it doesn’t, it only feels _right_ to hold him in my arms like this, now since when did I start feeling that?

“The point is that I can’t fly, Rei-chan, not then, not now, not anymore. But _you could_.” Nagisa says, and his voice, albeit sleepy, is so _earnest_ , so unapologetically _Nagisa_ that my heart – that big traitorous sappy muscle – actually manages to _skip a beat_. “And you don’t mind that I follow around watching you, that I always stayed by your side.”

He’s silent for a few moments after saying that, so I guess that’s that for now. Maybe I’ll ask him what he meant in the morning. Maybe I just dreamed all this and will forget it eventually. Maybe I’m just overthinking this again.

However, he does say these last few words before falling asleep completely:

“I guess that’s what I love best about you.”

Needless to say, it’s pretty difficult for me to get some sleep after hearing that.

* * *

We don’t talk about it in the morning.

I think we should’ve, but then again we’ve got…bigger fish to fry, yes I am using that idiom for today, and yes it is because when we visited him at home earlier, Haruka Nanase had fried three mackerel fishes and ate them all. Somehow he managed to eat them all with a certain grace to his movements, quickly, unobtrusively, and effectively leaving nothing but the bones.

I wonder how he’d looked when he had been swimming? Nagisa had told me, relentlessly, that had I seen Haruka swim I’d have wanted to do so, as well. I suddenly find myself having the need to confirm this hypothetical, but that’s neither here nor there.

What is here and there right now, however, is Makoto- _senpai_ , and his darling little sister Ran. I’m the youngest of two, so younger siblings are something of a novelty to me – I can’t help but be intrigued as to how my life would be if I ever had a sibling younger than me to watch over, to guide and protect.

Now, Ren’s a very good kid, really clever and hardworking, and no matter what Nagisa convinces you you _have_ to believe me – when Ren broke my high jump record at regionals I did _not_ cry like a baby. I merely…shed a single manly tear. As popular culture insists the manliest of men do. So he’d be the obvious choice of my favourite.

But although I do know that playing favourites is dangerous business – there’s a _reason_ why my parents only had two children – if I ever did have to choose a favourite Tachibana twin, my answer would have to be Ran. She’s scathingly sharp-witted, passionate about her interests, surprisingly strong, as well as adorable and bossy.

And – yes, sometimes, the more time I spend around her the more she reminds me of Nagisa. Seeing as Nagisa is the youngest child of his family, just like me, sometimes I find myself watching them interact to quell my curiosity on how Nagisa would be as an elder brother. Compared to his interactions with his elder sisters, would there be less vitriol?

As it turns out the answer to this is ‘no’, though I’m not sure if Nagisa’s just this kind of elder brother, or if he’s just acting this way around _Ran_ …

This makes me think. Maybe I’m looking about this the wrong way…maybe it’s not Makoto- _senpai_ that Nagisa’s harboring feelings for, but – following the childish habit of teasing the ‘one you love’ – Ran?

Before I can think about this even further, however, Nagisa speaks. “Mako-chan. You okay?” he says, and it reminds me of the problem we currently have at hand. Haruka and Makoto- _senpai_ ’s relationship. _Right_. Everything else, we can deal with later.

“Yeah,” Makoto- _senpai_ smiles, carding a hand through damp brown hair. He smells faintly of soap and it’s not hard to see why people keep falling for him left and right, between that and the dazzlingly brilliant smile. Said smile does not reach his eyes, however; seeing as Makoto- _senpai_ ’s always been, for the most part, an open book, this little slip of his isn’t so hard to miss. “Why shouldn't I be?”

It seems that I’m not the only one who picked up on his lie, which is to be expected because of course Nagisa is not as clueless as he’d like the world to believe. He pouts and fixes Makoto- _senpai_ with a rather impressive glare.“It’s because when Rei-chan and I called last night, you didn't sound okay – oh.”

Ran’s arrived, setting down plates of lovely pastel pink mousse. Strawberry, I’m guessing. I personally am not much of a sweet tooth, but seeing as I’ve been living with Nagisa for quite a while now, if ever I’d have to eat sweets I now prefer the strawberry-flavoured ones. They remind me of him, and yes, this is how far I have fallen.

“Thanks, Ran-chan.”

“That's _not_ for you, yanno.” Ran huffs, her puffed cheeks a nice warm red as she snatches back the dessert plate that Nagisa had just swiped from her reach.“This is for _Rei-senpai._ ”

She sets said plate in front of me, and gives me this lovely smile that I can’t help but say “Thank you,” to. Not for the first time I find myself in deep awe of the Tachibana household – they’re the kind of family you can’t help but want to be a part of, hypothetically. Now, I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate my own elder brother’s efforts, it’s just that…sometimes, it _does_ feel nice to be doted on.

“Don't they teach the virtues of _equality_ at Iwatobi High anymore?” Nagisa huffs, and he puffs, and if he goes further on this route I swear he’d be a dead-ringer for the Big Bad Wolf. He seems to be honest-to-goodness _baring his teeth_ at the poor girl, which is more than a little bit confusing. He’s probably _not_ harboring romantic feeling for her then. _Probably._ “This is _unfair_. I'm gonna get my own piece.” he sniffs, standing up suddenly and striding all the way to the Tachibana’s kitchen, his hips swinging…rather distractingly…as he does.

“What - but no, silly, the one with strawberry topping is _mine_!” Ran snaps, scrambling to her feet to, presumably, preserve the sanctity of the slice she set aside for herself. Seeing as Nagisa seems both hungry and annoyed for some reason, I wish her luck. She’ll need it…

I am, however, snapped out of my errant thoughts when someone calls my name. “Rei.” Makoto- _senpai_ says, eyes calm, with a tight smile on his face.

“ _Senpai_?” I hear myself… _croak_ , there is absolutely no other word for that tone of voice, I’m croaking for sure. Because Makoto- _senpai_ is fixing me that stare and also _crossing his arms_ and if he wasn’t intentionally planning on scaring me with _all that muscle_ he’s doing a damned good job of it anyway.

See, I kind of picked up that intimidation tactic for a certain someone. Yes, it’s pretty obvious who it is right now. I swallow down the worst of my nerves – despite the fact that he’s no longer a full-time athlete, but a teacher, you’d think he wouldn’t be able to maintain his impressive physique, but he _did_ and to be honest it makes me more than a little bit scared for my life.

“Think of what _Nagisa_ would feel.”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying –”

“See, you’re a good lad, Rei,” Makoto- _senpai_ murmurs, leaning in closer, and there’s a _glint_ to his bright green eyes that makes me want to prostrate myself on the floor and beg for mercy and forgiveness. I can see far too much of his clean, white, even teeth than I should to feel secure with my chances of survival. “– and Nagisa absolutely _adores_ you, but if you ever –”

The message is clear: _I will rip you up completely._

“You do not need to tell me twice, Makoto- _senpai_!” I say, clasping my hands together in front of my face. _Oh please God let me live, I haven’t even confessed to Nagisa-kun yet and I know life is not supposed to be this cruel-!_ “Rin-san already sent me _warnings_. I am well aware that I am _not_ interested in romance, and that if I ever want to be, the _senpai_ ’s sisters are not to be involved.”

I’d been going on about this at a higher tone than my usual, but from the looks of it that’d been going in my favour because my earnest scare snaps Makoto- _senpai_ out of his intimidating aura. That must have been what Rin had reverently (and affectionately) referred to as ‘ _Orca mode_ ’. “Huh? ‘ _Warnings_ ’ ?”

“You know… _videos_.” I say, a slight shudder going through my spine as I remember the email Rin sent me when he found out Gou had made me Valentine’s Day chocolate, a few years ago. Attachments one through four, as download links, had looked innocent enough, little .mp4 files. When I actually _opened them_ , though… “He was wrestling with a _crocodile_.”

Whatever must’ve been on my face must’ve looked _spectacularly_ worrying, because Makoto- _senpai_ ’s uncrossed his arms, cocked his head, and is now looking at me with a worried pair of soft green eyes. “Rei…”

“A _crocodile,_ Makoto- _senpai_ .” I say, pressing a hand to my chest, biting my lips and trying very much _not to cry_ over the distressing memory. “ _It was not beautiful at all!_ “

It’s like a dam had been broken by my frantic reaction, however, because Makoto- _senpai_ laughs and laughs and laughs. “I dunno why I ever expected you to say anything else,” he says, in the middle of all that laughing.

I have a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I am supposed to find this a bit offending, that my friend finds my worry about our mutual acquaintances wrestling with wild animals _laughable_ , but…with what he’s been going through I guess he more than deserves a laugh or twenty.

“However.” I say, going back to my normal tone of speaking, which promptly halts Makoto- _senpai_ and his ringing laughter. It is, after all, time to get to work, I think, pushing up my glasses like I always do when I’m nervous. “…Makoto- _senpai,_ I need to tell you something.”

“Go on, then,”

I find myself sucking in a deep breath. “This morning, Nagisa-kun and I went to visit Haruka-san.”

“Oh.” Makoto- _senpai_ murmurs. It’s not a shocked exhalation, rather, it’s a _confused_ one – like he expected us to do that but doesn’t know why we’d want to. Surely he knows by now how seriously we look after one of our own? “What did you think?”

“Well – logically, I can’t see any situation where this could work.” I say, forcing down my voice to a monotone because if I let even an iota of emotion through I’d find myself ranting about how life is unfair, why did it make the feelings mutual if the amnesia has to get in the way, and if the amnesia absolutely _had_ to get in the way why did life not allow Rin to pursue some kind of happiness with Makoto- _senpai_ , the man he loved? This is frustrating. “Anterograde amnesia is the lack of retention of new memories, after all. Seeing as any kind of relationship would entail making and _remembering_ new memories, I fail to see any workarounds.”

“Okay then,” Makoto- _senpai_ concedes, his lips tightly drawn and his gaze looking down. It looks like _defeat_ , and that just about breaks my heart. Because I may have ranted and raved against him for his treatment of Nagisa some hours prior, and I may be annoyed how he doesn’t see Rin’s obvious affections for him, but Makoto- _senpai_ is still a very dear friend and I don’t ever want to see him that distraught.

That’s why I find myself speaking once more. “Sometimes Nagisa-kun’s _right_ , though. And besides, things don’t have to be easy, because life _isn’t_.” The meaning of my words catches up with me, and I shake my head, somewhat fondly, which is why it’s a great relief Makoto- _senpai_ doesn’t see me smile as I say my next words. “‘ _Nagisa-kun’s right_ ’, I said. Am I even hearing myself _speak_?”

“Rei…what do you mean?”

“Haruka-san said that the last memory he has of you was of how you looked when he had left Iwatobi.” I say, and I can literally hear Makoto- _senpai_ catch his breath. It’s a familiar gesture – almost like the inhalation Nagisa does when he’s about to wallow in _self-depreciation_ again – so I hurry on.

“And it stuck with him, the whole time he was abroad. Everything he did, all he could think of was about how he had made you sad, and he never really forgave himself. And then…then he drowned.” I look up, and sure enough Makoto- _senpai_ ’s looking back at me. It’s as if he were a little child and I’d just told him that Santa Claus didn’t exist, and I just can’t look at him when he’s like that. “Nagisa-kun and I heard that the drowning was... _self-inflicted_.”

“Wait, Haru…Haru _drowned_?” Makoto- _senpai_ says, and that voice. That _voice_. I have to talk fast, get to my point quickly, because I never want to hear him use that voice again. He sounds so small, so scared.

“Anyway, it’s why he can’t swim anymore. I’d wager that’s where the amnesia came into play. I have no idea _why_ he did it, though.” I take a deep breath, and continue on. “Makoto- _senpai,_ you must know, however, that I am not telling you this to guilt you into running to his side like…like you seem to want to right now.” I look at his clenched fists, and how his posture is tight and angled towards their front door, as if he was readying himself to barrel all the way to the Nanase apartment at a moment’s notice. “It’s just that if there’s something I’m sure needs to be more of, it’s the _completeness of information_ , and since Nagisa-kun _already_ bullied me into telling Haruka-san how you felt without him, it was only right that I let you know how he felt without you.”

That, at least, makes him unclench a little, raise an eyebrow even. “When does Nagisa _not_ bully you into doing stuff?” he chides.

“That’s not the point, Makoto- _senpai_.” I sigh, carding a hand through my hair. Guess Rin did know what he was saying when he told me it’d take more than _hints_ to spur Makoto- _senpai_ on. “You haven’t gotten it yet?”

“Huh?”

“It’s not important, whether or not he’ll remember you exactly as he’s supposed to.” I say, still sighing, because no matter how ‘dense’ people keep telling me Makoto- _senpai_ this he has _got_ to understand what I am getting at right now. I can’t help but flush red – I’m the kind one might call ‘passionate’, yes, but still, _feelings_ and _emotions_ are not my forte. “What matters, is – I cannot believe I am saying this – _what you feel_. There’s someone you want to be with, no matter what, isn’t there?”

I look at him. He looks back at me, swallows, and braces himself.

“ _Haru,_ ” Makoto- _senpai_ says, as if that name was his lifeline, his oxygen, the name he had to say in order to survive. His voice cracks, and I can’t blame him – how many times have I wanted to confess feelings of this manner, out loud, where someone can actually _hear_ me do so? How many years had he been holding this back? “ _I want to be with Haru._ ”

“There you have it, then!” I say, and I smile. I don’t know why that makes Makoto- _senpai_ smile that brilliant grin – my smile is rusty from disuse and I’m pretty sure it makes me look like a psycho killer, I don’t think it deserves to have that _lovely_ smile in response. But nevertheless. Makoto- _senpai_ smiles back, and there’s nothing but pure unadulterated _hope_ and I can’t help but feel my sorry excuse of a smile go wider.

“We'll be rooting for you both, Makoto- _senpai_.” I say, smiling. The unspoken message is there: _so go on, neither of you ever have to be alone again._ And I guess Makoto- _senpai_ gets this, because he laughs, once, and goes across the coffee table to envelop me in a warm hug.

“Thank you, Rei,” he says, and my cheeks can’t go any warmer than they are right now. “Thanks a lot-!”

Makoto- _senpai_ is such a warm, addictive presence and I can’t help but hold him close and smile into the crook of his neck like he does with mine, but that is – of course – until we hear an oddly calm, _cool_ voice say “ _Mako-chan_.” Then Makoto- _senpai_ draws away from me, as quickly as he would’ve had he been burned – and the first thing I find myself thinking is _why is Nagisa-kun looking at Makoto-senpai with that expression on his face?_

* * *

“You should tell him, y’know,” Rin drawls, as he Skypes with me that evening, once Nagisa had been deemed truly and absolutely asleep. As I open my mouth to say some kind of rebuttal, he raises a finger and clicks his tongue. “No ' _But Rin-san_ 's. Don’t waste your goddamned time, butterfly boy.”

“But – but Rin-san,” I mutter, stubbornly ignoring his earlier comment, flushing madly and trying very _hard_ not to notice how even in sleep my bedmate’s – _roommate_ ’s – arms are clutching very tightly at the general vicinity of my waist. “Sudden confessions are so very _un_ beautiful, are you serious, I cannot even begin to _imagine_ how graceless I would be –”

“People who have a freaking chance should just _take it_ , okay?” Rin _barks_ , and I have to bite my lips to stop myself from saying anything more because _how have you been ever since Makoto-senpai and Haruka-san got together?_ isn’t exactly something I’d say in polite conversation, not when my conversation partner is _someone who is still in love with Makoto-senpai_. “So yeah, tell him soon. Or I am seriously gonna sic crocs on you, don’t think I won’t.”

I sigh. “Rin-san, you don’t have to go that far.”

“Well, prove it to me, then. Take it before it’s taken, and all that crap.”

“Rin-san, am I to assume that you don’t want anyone knowing that you have considerable knowledge about _Tiger and Bunny…_?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, crap, _fine_.” Rin seethes, and I can’t help but chuckle at how affronted he sounds. “ _Fine_. I won’t give Nagisa any hints about your painfully _obvious_ feels for him. God, ‘s just like I expected – you are no fun _at all_ , aren’t you?”

“I aim to _surpass_ expectations,” I say, lightly, and Rin grins.

It’s not the grin of those who’ve moved on, not entirely, but he’s getting there.

* * *

We’re in Haruka’s apartment – he had now patched things up with Makoto- _senpai_ , and Nagisa had insisted we celebrate. I made the pizza – _frutti di mare_ , a seafood concoction that Haruka somehow managed to infuse with too much mackerel than is healthy for a normal human being. One silly party game led to another, and somehow Rin’s been goaded into confessing his unrequited crush on Makoto- _senpai_ , somehow I’ve been goaded into confessing my silly high school infatuation with Makoto- _senpai_ , and somehow Nagisa’s decided that the best course of action is to drag me to the bathroom.

His question had been “ _Who would you like to spend forever with,_ ” I remember. I can’t help but flush at what the implication of this, in regards to the context of the situation, would mean.

But there’s no time for me to obsessively worry about my obvious feelings, because the first thing I notice, when Nagisa pulls me into the bathroom, is that his hands are _shaking_.

That’s never happened before, if memory serves me right. Which is unfair because Nagisa never really did pay much heed to the “don’t wash tired hands” rule, and yet his hands stay relentlessly steady no matter what he’s doing or when he’s doing it, but now, right now, his hands are shaking.

I wonder what this is supposed to mean?

The bathroom isn’t a particularly large one, but it’s not a small one, either – it’s unlike the rest of the apartment, which is done in a mix of Japanese and Western styles, in that it’s completely done in a Western manner. Nagisa once told me that the Nanase family once lived in a wonderful, spacious Japanese-style house (Haruka apparently still loved his childhood bathtub), but since they’ve spent such a long time abroad it makes sense how they’d prefer a Western aesthetic.

Nagisa’s pacing, or at least he tries to – like I said, the bathroom isn’t a large one. Every time he finishes one cycle of pacing his knees knock into mine and it presses me against the door I’m leaning on, and every time he notices this Nagisa’s eyes go wide and oddly dark and he blinks furiously and apologizes. I tell him it’s all right, and he paces again. I wonder how long this will have to go on.

“What’s the matter, Nagisa-kun?” I say, and _relish_ the sight of the shiver going through his spine. Since when did seeing Nagisa jittery and cutely nervous appeal to me?

Oh, right, since I fell in love with him. Which is to say, many years ago.

“It’s – _haaaaaah_ – just like I said, Rei-chan.” Nagisa says, comically scrubbing at his scalp with both hands. I chuckle. “I needed to talk to you about something.” he continues on, wringing his now-lowered hands and looking down as he fumbles with a loose thread of his sweater.

Nagisa’s sweater is a nice peach and it brings out the colour of his eyes. I got that for him on his last birthday, and he wears it _at least_ ten times better than I imagined he would.

“RinRin’s right. I really _have_ been dancing around this for too long.”

He looks at me, just _looks_ at me, and once more I am struck by how utterly _beautiful_ he is that I just can’t help but stare, my mouth embarrassingly agape. Nagisa notices this, and for once he doesn’t giggle or otherwise rib on me and my obviousness – rather, he ducks his head, probably to hide his flushing cheeks, and smiles softly.

“I’d say ‘ _I like you’_ , Rei-chan, but _like_ just doesn’t cut it. Not even if I mush it with words like _a lot_ or _very much_. It’s just not the same.” he says, shaking his head, still looking down, pulling at another loose thread. If he manages to unravel his way out of that sweater in his nervousness I might be cross with him. Just a little bit. “And I know which word I should use, but good _God_ , Rei, I’ve wanted to tell you this for so long, what if I mess it up and drive you away?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” I hear myself say, taking that one step forward to put my hands on his shoulders. Once more I watch him startle under my touch – when we’ve gotten all this out of the way, I wager I’d never have the upper hand as far as he’s concerned, so I best make the most of this rare opportunity. I tilt his head up so I could better look at his eyes – still the same, wide, starlight-bright eyes of the high school student I fell in love with – and say that words that I had been wanting to say for too many years to count.

“I love you, Nagisa. I’m _in love_ with you.” I say, and it feels as if so many years of _longing_ have infused themselves into my voice. “…and I have been, for a long time. It’s _always_ been you, Nagisa.”

Nagisa makes this small, choked sound, and it seems like he’s about to cry but I can’t stand for that, I can’t let that happen, so I swipe away the teardrops with both my thumbs. I am aware that right now, with our bodies close together and me wiping away his tears, we look very much like a scene from a really sappy soap opera. I don’t think I mind.

He scrunches his eyes closed and wraps his arms around my waist, as if I was a dream he never really wanted to let go of. “I can’t believe it – I mean – _I love you, Rei_! So much so people kept telling me I had to calm down, see, when we were at uni and everyone was fawning over you in that speedo, I had to buy every photo of you that sold because I couldn’t bear the fact of someone sighing over your pictures…”

“Wait,” I say, completely surprised, my thumbs pausing over his eyes. “So that was _you_?”

Nagisa cocks an eyebrow at me. “Why’d you think I took extra shifts after that, huh?”

“Well…maybe…see, I thought,” and here I just _give up_ with explaining myself and hide my face in the crook of his neck because I am such an embarrassing person and I should be ashamed of myself and my habit of drawing incorrect conclusions. “I thought you were always there all the time because you wanted to spend time with _Gou-san_.”

“What – _pff_ , Rei-chan, don’t be _silly_!” Nagisa says, as he holds me closer, the rumbling of his laughter making me feel warm. “I won’t go after her, I mean, even if she was my type I wouldn’t want RinRin to be on my case, I don’t have a _death wish_ …and Gou-chan’s not my type, _obviously_.” Here he – dear sweet merciful deities – actually makes his hand wander a few more inches _south_ of my waist, and, and _pinches_.

“N-Nagisa-kun…” I murmur, slumping ungracefully into his neck because there is a _time_ and a _place_ and neither of them are _right here, right now_.

“Aww, c’mon, going back to the honorifics already?” Nagisa says, pulling back to look me in the eyes with a lethally adorable pout on his lovely pink lips. “And here I was being so happy about you _finally_ calling me by my name, I mean, would you like it if I went back to calling you Rei-cha – _mmff_.”

I don’t know where he picked this up, or why he felt the need to tell me, but Rin had told me once that one must _kiss during a lull to emphasize sincerity_. From the way Nagisa’s now clutching at me like I’m a life raft, I guess whatever his source was, it’s a reliable one.

“It makes no difference to me, whatever you choose to address me as in the future.” I say, as we pull away, which is a surprise to myself because as things are we’re both too dazed and out of breath to even _think_ coherently. “You feel the same way, and that’s the most important thing of all.”

“Rei-chan –!” Nagisa pipes up, eyes brimming with tears as he lunges forward to kiss me back – I can taste the pizza I made earlier, the faintest hints of strawberry ice cream, and the tears that just can’t help but fall from his eyes. But it’s all right.

These are happy tears, I am sure of it, because I can feel them falling from my own cheeks as well.

We emerge from the bathroom with our hair mussed, cheeks pink, and fingers interlaced, and Makoto- _senpai_ grins. Rin stands up and throws his arms in the air like some frustrated club-goer.

“ _Finally!_ If you two get any more married than you are already,” Rin smirks, pulling at his paper party hat and smirking, “I’d have to have you arrested on public decency charges.”

When I – predictably – go red over his allegation, Rin _guffaws_ , and just like that, we find ourselves joining in.

* * *

“D'you believe in reincarnation, Rei-chan?”

“I don't think I could,” I reply, pushing up my glasses. “Because I don't want to believe in something that basically says that essence of me is recycled material.”

“Upcycled, Rei-chan, not just recycled! Wouldn't reincarnation mean that you've learned from your past selves' mistakes?” Nagisa says, flippant as ever. His fingers are still interlaced with mine. I think we haven’t let go of each other, not since then, which is weird since I don’t feel strained by the constant contact at all. Maybe this is how love is.

“But the common perception is that reincarnated souls have to be told what their past lives where, thus making it probable that someone would be making the same mistakes over and over again...there's no guarantee that the more lives one lives, the less mistakes they would make.” ...Or was there one? Damn him for making me invested in this silly conversation. “Why are you asking me this?”

The expression on Nagisa's face changes, and shifts into something a bit less flippant and a bit more pensive. It reminds me of that day, at the rooftop. It almost makes me regret asking him. “When we were younger, I always thought that there better be a world where Mako-chan and Haru-chan get to grow up together, because that's just the way things should've gone down.”

His eyes are downcast, and has there been anything in his path, he would have kicked it, which would not be a good thing seeing as Nagisa's leg muscles would exert greater force, seeing as we are both still jogging. He could hurt himself, but he's too caught up in what he's saying that he doesn't seem to notice. “I don't mind if that means I don't get to grow up with them, if that means they can be together. And maybe if Haru-chan had stayed in Iwatobi, he wouldn't have felt so lost that...you know?”

He doesn't want to say it, so I decide to do it for him. Just for the sake of complete disclosure. “...he wouldn't have felt lost overseas, and so he wouldn't have drowned and obtained anterograde amnesia through hypoxia, is that what you're saying?”

“Yes.” Nagisa replies, with a chuckle. “God, you do remember all those terms Haru told you! You sure you don't wanna be a doctor, Rei-chan?”

I raise an eyebrow. “I am perfectly sure I don’t want to. I am completely _content_ with my current occupation. Besides, being in the medical practice is glamorous enough, but...surgeries are not _my_ kind of beautiful.”

“Just as expected from Rei-chan!” Nagisa cries, suddenly retaining vigor as he claps me on the back. The noise I reportedly made was not a “sputter” - I could go to court against him on this, seriously. “Rei-chan, whatever will I do without you?”

“Probably eating yourself to an early grave, Nagisa.”

“That's mean! But I meant what I said, though.” Nagisa has a soft smile on his face as he looks away from me, and I should not be thinking about how perfectly the moonlight throws his profile half in shadow. “Hey, Rei-chan.”

“What is it?”

“If there's a world where Haru-chan and Mako-chan don't get separated, but I have to move away from Iwatobi, I still would want to meet you, Rei-chan.” He tells me, and all the naked _emotion_ behind his words is so sudden that I can't help but draw to a halt.

It’s like when we first ran together – _your pole vaulting was beautiful_.

“Even if everything else changes, I still want to end up where I am now, with you, even then.” he says, looking inordinately pleased with himself. “What about you, Rei-chan?”

“I don’t want to ever think of a world where I don’t get to meet you, Nagisa.” I say, and – and that hint of pleased surprise that flashes through Nagisa’s eyes when I call him by his name and _nothing else_ is quickly becoming a favourite expression of mine. “So, as far as I’m concerned, an alternate universe like that has no right to exist.”

“Even if…even if things aren’t how they are right now?”

“Of course!” I say, somewhat affronted that he thinks I’d let something silly like _hypothetical obstacles_ get in the way of me and him. “Even if Haruka-san didn’t move away from Iwatobi, even if Rin-san never maintained his cheerful demeanor, even if you all started a swim club! I – you know I don’t know anything about swimming, right, but if you’d want me to join the swim club in some alternate reality, I’ll join. I’ll probably drown a lot, and it’ll feel like hell, but…that’s where you’ll be.”

That catches his attention, and he looks up at me with wide, beautiful eyes. “ _Really_ , Rei-chan?”

“Yes. I mean – it’s pretty obvious, by now.” I say, clutching his fingers tighter in mine. “How I don’t ever want to be parted from you. If there existed some parallel world where I had to learn how to swim to be around you –”

“You should definitely learn how to swim the butterfly,” Nagisa says, off-handedly. “You already like butterflies a lot, I mean, it’d be a good fit.”

“But didn’t Rin-san say that the butterfly stroke was the hardest one…?”

“Yeah, but, well, it’s the most technical one. But you’re very _good_ at those kinds of details, you’ll be learning it in no time!”

“And besides, if Haruka-san and Makoto- _senpai_ were still swimmers, I’d be lost to obscurity in the face of those two and their presumably fantastic swimming. And that’s not counting Rin-san, as well. I’d have to keep failing magnificently all the time, even once I’ve learned how to swim, just to get your attention.”

“Aww, but you don’t have to do _anything_ to get my attention? I mean, if there exists some alternate universe version of me who _doesn’t_ marvel at you, your smart brain, your cute dorkiness, and your _fantastic body_ , I will seriously have to beat the sense into him.”

I sigh at my… _boyfriend_ ’s exuberance. And also blush at the way his eyes go dark when he enumerates my…ahh, _attributes._ “Let’s just say I’m really glad I get to be in a world where I don’t have to swim to get your attention.”

Nagisa laughs, and leans his head onto my shoulder as we continue walking on.

No matter how much the world changes, we'll always have this moment – this _material_ , _pervasive_ moment – where his fingers line up perfectly with mine. That's more than enough.

* * *

* * *

_**fin.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Per my AudTheo book: “ _Determining the appropriate audit opinion to be expressed requires a great deal of judgment. In making this decision, both **materiality** and **pervasiveness** (largeness of scale) of the effect on the financial statements should be taken into consideration…_ ”
> 
> And that’s a wrap, guys! Good heavens. Thanks so much for sticking through with me with The Materiality Principle, this was only supposed to be a oneshot, I never expected I’d go a full eight chapters! But now it’s done, and though there’s a lot of stuff I wanna go back and re-do…right now that’s as far as my story can and will go, and I hope you like it!
> 
> This is Rei’s POV of [Retrouvaille chapter five](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1015471/chapters/2137130) and the related oneshot [You Every Time](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1172304), by the way. The first scene is in between the two scenes of this fic’s [chapter 7](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1084649/chapters/2265334)!
> 
> [This is the Pororo, the Little Penguin short Nagisa's comparing his life to, btw.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qb83_1Rzu5w)
> 
> Also: it’s my birthday today!! Happy nineteenth to me…I’d like to dedicate this to all the lovely people I’ve ever met ever since I got into the Free!dom, especially to [brewcha](http://brewcha.tumblr.com) (eep thanks for the lovely birthday gift!!!), [mackerelmaru](http://mackerelmaru.tumblr.com), [aitaikimochi](http://aitaikimochi.tumblr.com) (why did you put ch 4 in your fic rec list hurr c’mere I just wanna hug you so much), [nunupapyrus](http://nunupapyrus.tumblr.com) and [racyue](http://racyue.tumblr.com) (eep thanks for all the lovely art!!), [great-blaster](http://great-blaster.tumblr.com), [paradigmation](http://paradigmation.tumblr.com), [brumalbreeze](http://brumalbreeze.tumblr.com), [penkipenguin](http://penkipenguin.tumblr.com), [kandismon](http://kandismon.tumblr.com), [teicakes](http://teicakes.tumblr.com), and [point0k](http://point0k.tumblr.com)! If I missed anyone I’m sorry, I really am, but you should know that I still love you. Also, a shout-out to brew-senpai’s friend [cravingcolors ](http://cravingcolors.tumblr.com)– here the finale is, sorry it took me so long, I hope you like it!
> 
> Thanks for reading, everyone! You cannot imagine how wonderful I feel every time you guys say you like reading my stuff. Thanks for everything! All this would've been meaningless without you, so thank you, all your support has been the best gift I could've ever received.
> 
> (...gosh  _wow_ I am such a sap.)


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